Before the Dawn
by Shonetta
Summary: JC . A holographic simulation during the Hirogen invasion of Voyager Killing Game Season 4 has long term consequences for Janeway and Chakotay. Complete and revised.
1. Chapter 1

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**  
**(PG:13)**

_Before the dawn is a dark night_**  
**_that tries the soul 'till morning light_

**Chapter One**

Wearing knee-high black boots over baggy red pants, a brown leather tunic over a loose white shirt, and a black scarf around a head of very short hair, Kathryn Janeway stood on the deck of a large holographic pirate ship that had blood-red sails. Covering her left eye was a glittering patch set with emeralds, sapphires and diamonds, and hanging from a black belt around her waist was a long brown-handled sword enclosed in a gleaming silver case. In the glare of a dazzling sun, Kathryn pulled out her sword and triumphantly addressed two Hirogen pirates who were tied with rope to two sturdy poles before her.

"Not so bold now, are you, my little mateys? I warned your captain that if any of his crew tried to steal our treasure, we would feed them to the sharks." With a swish she waved her sword to the right. "Look yonder. There's the plank."

The aliens swallowed as their eyes rested on a long wooden plank extending off the deck of the ship.

"The sharks are hungry. And when they are hungry..." She swished the sword back to her side. "They will eat a person in the blink of an eye."

She then stepped closer to the trembling men.

"But, I might be willing to spare you the fate of being the supper of sharks in exchange for the chest of rubies you have on your ship."

"They are not ours to give," one of the Hirogen argued.

Kathryn gave a feigned sign. "Then you'll just have to be fish food." She turned to a group of pirates behind her, and addressed them. "Terror, Bold-Bella. Troll and Sizzle, escort our prisoners to the plank."

Tuvok, B'Elanna, Tom and Seven stepped forward. "Yes, Captain Jewel-eye," they said in unison.

"No, wait," one of the Hirogen cried. "Let us go and we'll get you the rubies."

Kathryn waved her hand at her crew-members and they stopped untying the prisoners.

"Let both of you go? Now, where would be the sense in that? If I let you both go, I will never see those jewels." She dug her sword deep into an iron plate on the Hirogen's body. "And I want those jewels." She withdrew her sword. "I will let one of you go. And if that one does not return within two hours, the other will die. It's your choice."

"I'll go," they said together.

Kathryn laughed. "What's the matter, mateys? Don't you trust each other?"

The Hirogen on her left addressed his fellow prisoner. "I'll go. I can row a boat quicker than you."

"Oh," Kathryn replied. "You are not going by boat. I have a much more interesting way for you to travel." She turned to her right and addressed Neelix. "Nemesis, demonstrate."

The Talaxian rubbed his hands together gleefully. "Only too gladly, Captain Jewel-eye."

He turned around and fired a canon into the air.

The mouths of the two Hirogen's dropped.

"We have a good aim," Kathryn continued, "but we can make no guarantees of where you will land or in what condition." She stepped over to the other Hirogen. "So, who is it to be? Who stays and who goes?"

The two Hirogen's answered in harmony. "Him..."

Kathryn smiled. "Such friendship. It's so touching..." She raised up her sword. "Looks like I am going to have to decide." She put her sword to the alien's chest and then alternated it between him and the other man as she said "Eny, meeny, miny, mo." The sword rested on the alien to her right. "Looks like it's you."

"No, please," the man begged, "let me stay..."

"Too late," Kathryn replied. "I've made up my mind." She turned to Tuvok and Tom. "Terror and Troll, prepare a boat for our messenger."

The alien flinched. "But I thought..."

Kathryn laughed. "You didn't think I would seriously shoot you over there, did you? I mean, if you should happen to land in the sea and get eaten by sharks, how would I ever get my rubies?" She then turned to B'Elanna and Seven. "Bold-Bella and Sizzle, escort our messenger to the boat when it's prepared."

"This is unfair," the other alien cried. "He will never come back with the jewels!"

She put her sword back in its case. "That's your problem not mine."

The Hirogen glared at his fellow prisoner. "You had better bring those rubies, do you hear me? If you don't, my son will be avenged on you."

"I will do my best," the alien answered.

"Let's hope your best is good enough," Kathryn declared. She then glanced at her crew and addressed them. "Keep watch on all sides. I shall be in my cabin if you need me, but unless the sharks decide they like the taste of this ship or the sea turns to flames, I do not wish to be disturbed, understood?"

"Yes, Captain Jewel-Eye," the crew replied.

Without another word, Kathryn left the deck.

* * *

When Kathryn arrived in her cabin, Chakotay was already there, lying in her large double bed with a sheet draped over his naked body. His hair was down to his shoulders and there was a deep red scar where his tattoo should have been. In his hand he held a glass of whiskey and he was studying a map.

"About time," he said, putting down the map as Kathryn entered. "I thought you were never coming back."

Kathryn smiled and began to take off the belt that held her sword. "How could I resist toying with HiroPiro's men?"

"How indeed." He watched as Kathryn cast aside her belt and sword and began to remove her boots. "Do you think you'll get the rubies?"

"Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but some day."

Chakotay took a generous gulp of whiskey, and then put the glass down on a small table beside the bed. "I'd hate to cross you in battle."

"You did cross me in battle, darling Cracklefire. How do you think you got that scar?"

Chakotay laughed. "I almost forgot."

Kathryn whipped off her tunic, climbed onto the bed, and then crawled over Chakotay.

"You were a darn good enemy, but you're an even better lover."

Chakotay seized her and rolled on top of her. "Is that so?"

"Undeniably."

With that, Chakotay lowered his mouth to hers and they kissed passionately.

**End of Chapter One**


	2. Chapter 2

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**

**(PG:13)**

**Chapter Two**

**6 Weeks Later**

Wrapped only in a white bathrobe, Kathryn Janeway lay on her bed in her quarters and stared vacantly at the ceiling. Dark shadows circled her tired eyes and her face was very pale.

"Captain?"

The voice was the Doctor's and it called to her from the living room.

Slowly, Kathryn sat up and answered. "In here, Doctor."

In no time at all, the Doctor appeared.

"You wished to see me," he said, standing in the doorway.

"That's right," Kathryn replied, getting to her feet.

The Doctor saw how pale she was, and, if he wasn't mistaken, she was trembling slightly. He stepped forward in concern. "Are you ill, Captain?"

"No," she said quietly. "But I think that...I think I'm pregnant."

The Doctor's eyes widened at that. "Pregnant?"

She nodded, tears welling in her eyes. "I've missed a period and I haven't been well for the past couple of weeks. I don't know what made me think of it exactly, because my cycles aren't regular anymore, but I was lying in the bath just now and it suddenly occurred to me that maybe I got pregnant somehow during the Hirogen invasion. According to you I was put in holo-simulation after holo-simulation. I have no recollection of what happened in any of them. I could have done anything with anyone." She paused. "I scanned myself with a medical tricorder as soon as the thought came to me and...and it showed an unidentifiable lifesign inside me."

"It's certainly possible," the Doctor replied. "I didn't detect a pregnancy when I treated your leg injury and removed the neural interface, but it can take up to three, or even four, days for conception to take place. In the last four days of the simulations they had you in a cowboys and indian simulation, a pirate simulation, a Klingon simulation in which you were stabbed in the stomach, and the World War II simulation, which ran for the best part of two days. If you had been intimate with someone in any of those simulations, then you may not have conceived by the time I treated you. And, as I had so many patients to attend to, I couldn't do more than basic examinations. It would have taken an in-depth examination to determine the presence of sperm in your reproductive system, an examination that it didn't cross my mind to perform. The Hirogen weren't interested in copulating with our crew, they were only interested in killing them. I may have detected it if I had treated you after you were stabbed, but you had already been treated by a Hirogen Doctor when I finally got back to sickbay after attending injured crew elsewhere." He paused. "Also possible, but lesslikely, is that you had already conceived but I failed to detect the lifesign. Between conception and implantation the lifesign is extremely weak, which means it isn't always detected."He closed the gap between them and put his hand on her shoulder. "There isn't much I can determine with a regular medical tricorder. It would be better for us to go to sickbay."

Kathryn nodded. "I'll get changed and meet you there in about half an hour."

* * *

When Kathryn arrived in sickbay half an hour later, she was glad to find the Doctor alone and waiting for her.

"We'll begin by performing a scan with an advanced medical tricorder," the Doctor replied. "The scan will not only tell us if you are pregnant, but by how many weeks."

With that he began to scan her, and Kathryn could hardly breathe as she waited for the verdict.

"Well, you're definitely pregnant," the Doctor declared, analyzing the results. "Approximately 6 weeks, which coincides with the last week of the Hirogen invasion."

Kathryn's face was white now that the Doctor had confirmed her self diagnosis and he put his hand on her arm.

"Sit down, Captain, and let me get you a drink."

"No," Kathryn replied. "I'm ok."

"You've had a shock, Captain. You need..."

"I said I'm ok, Doctor!"

At that, the Doctor was subdued. Kathryn turned away from him and leant, palms down, against a biobed.

"Is there any way of knowing at this stage who the father is?"

"That depends," the Doctor replied. "I can extract a DNA sample from the embryo and search for a match in our database, but if the father does happen to be a Hirogen, then that obviously won't be possible.

At that, Kathryn buried her head in her hands. She didn't know what was worse. Having the father be someone on board the ship or having him be a Hirogen.

"I really think you should sit," the Doctor continued. "You..."

"Let's just get on with this," Kathryn said, turning towards him. "Let's just do the DNA sample."

"Very well," the Doctor replied. He gestured to a biobed. "Please, lie down."

Kathryn climbed onto the bed and lay down while the doctor went over to a medical station.

"I'm going to scan the embryo and transport a DNA sample," he explained. "You won't feel more than a slight tingle."

In less than a minute, the process was complete.

"I'm analyzing the sample now," the Doctor said, working busily. "The first thing to determine is species."

Kathryn sat up slowly and watched silently as he worked.

"Appears to be fully human," the Doctor concluded. "I will now search our database for a paternity match."

Kathryn felt her heart race. So, the father was someone on board. It wasn't the first time something like this had happened as she and Tom had once mated and reproduced as amphibians, but mating and reproducing as an amphibian she could handle. They had not been themselves, in every sense, and their amphibious off-spring were able to survive alone. The thought of having been intimate with one of her male officers while under mind-control was very disturbing, and the off-spring of this tryst would be a humanoid child who would need loving and looking after. In that way, the two situations were entirely different.

"I have a match," the Doctor said at last.

Kathryn swallowed and got to her feet. "Who is it?"

The Doctor looked at her and was a moment in answering. "Commander Chakotay."

Kathryn stared at him, her eyes as wide as saucers. Chakotay? She and Chakotay had... No, it wasn't possible. And yet..and yet it had to be. This was too real to be a dream...

"Would you like me to summon the Commander?" The Doctor asked kindly.

"No," Kathryn replied urgently. "I don't want him to know about this."

"But he will have to know," the Doctor said, leaving his station. "You can't hide this indefinitely. In a few weeks you will begin to show and then..."

"Whoa," Kathryn said, putting her hand up. "Just wait a minute here. I'm in no position to have a baby, Doctor. Certainly not a baby with my First Officer, who also happens to be officially in my custody."

The Doctor looked at her in horror. "But you're not saying...Captain! How can you even think it? This is a child we're talking about. A perfectly healthy child that is thriving inside you."

"No, Doctor. Of course not. We'll freeze the embryo. I know it carries some risks to the embryo, but life on board this ship would also be risky. One day I may be in a position to have a child and the embryo can be re-planted inside me. But if I die or am too old to practically bear or care for a child when we get home, then the embryo can be donated to a childless couple."

The Doctor stepped closer. "I suggest you take some time to think about this. I also recommend that you discuss it with Chakotay."

"No. I've told you that I don't want him to know. This is between us, Doctor."

"But it's his child too and he..."

"I've made my decision, Doctor. We'll freeze the embryo and tell no one about this."

"Captain..."

"We'll do it now."

"But..."

"I said now, Doctor!"

At the steely look on her face, the Doctor was once again subdued. "Very well." He gestured to the bed behind her. "Please, lie down."

Kathryn climbed back onto the bed, and the Doctor returned to his station. He watched as she lay down, and every part of him protested against her sudden decision. He would have to try at least once more to get her to reconsider.

"Captain, are you...?"

"Just do it!" Kathryn answered.

At that, he reluctantly got to work and began the process of transplanting and preserving the embryo.

"It should only take a few seconds," he said, preparing a container for the embryo. "Again you should feel no more than a slight tingle."

He waited for Kathryn to change her mind, to say that she at least wanted more time to think about it, but she lay still and silent on the bed.

"Initializing transport," he said at last.

Kathryn felt a slight tingle as the beam penetrated her body, then it was gone.

"You may sit up now," the Doctor said.

Kathryn slowly sat up and looked in his direction. He was busy monitoring the preserved embryo. She watched for a moment, her heart thumping in her chest and her insides churning. "Is it...is it okay?"

"For the moment," the Doctor replied. "We won't know for 24 hours whether the preservation has worked."

He left his station and walked over to Kathryn with a hypospray.

"This will depregnatize your body."

Kathryn tilted her neck to the side and the Doctor administered the medication. When he was done, Kathryn got to her feet. "May I leave now?"

"Yes," the Doctor replied.

Kathryn walked towards the doors and then stopped. Slowly, she turned around and addressed the Doctor, a haunting pain in her eyes.

"The baby," she said quietly. "Is it a boy or a girl?"

"A boy," the Doctor replied.

For a moment, just a moment, the Doctor thought he saw regret in her eyes, but then she lowered them, obscuring the window into her soul.

"Thank you, Doctor."

She then turned around and left.

**End of Chapter Two**


	3. Chapter 3

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**  
**(PG:13)**

**Chapter Three**

**2378**

From a couch in Chakotay's spacious apartment, Kathryn watched in silence as her former First Officer, who was sitting beside her, opened a bottle of Cabernet Sauvignon. He was casually dressed in black pants and a fawn shirt, and even though he had aged by the best part of a decade since their first meeting, she thought he looked as handsome now as he did then. She herself was wearing a knee-length dress of rich blue velvet that fell off her shoulders in a low-neckline that was decorated with a diamond pendant. Her hair was swept up from her face in a flattering style and high heel shoes graced her feet. For so many years Chakotay had seen her in very little except her plain Starfleet uniform, and tonight she wanted to look as feminine as she possibly could. He had once said he liked her in blue, and somewhere in his heart she hoped he remembered.

Since they had returned to Earth, she had only seen him a handful of times, and this was the first time they were having dinner alone together since Voyager. Over the past five months there had been a lot of change in both their lives. She had been promoted to Admiral and started working at Starfleet Command, and he had recently started teaching at a university in North Carolina. In the weeks immediately following their return, Chakotay had gone to visit his sister and surviving family members on Trebus, and then had gone on a two month archaeological expedition to Varlita Prime. Kathryn had missed him terribly, more than she had ever imagined she would, but had no idea what his feelings were for her now. He had loved her once, that she knew. But it was a long time ago and it seemed like he had moved on. Ever since he had returned from the expedition she had wanted to see him, but every time she was about to call him and ask him for dinner, her courage had failed her. It was a good thing, then, that he had asked her to dinner instead.

After the recent changes in their life and the new starts for both of them, there should have been a lot for them to talk about. But, they had eaten almost in silence. Chakotay had been very quiet all evening and she had been quiet too. There was something in particular that she wanted to discuss with him, and she didn't have a clue how she was going to begin.

"Here," Chakotay said, holding a glass of sparkling wine out to her.

Kathryn took the glass with a thank you and took a much needed sip to moisten her dry throat.

"I'm sorry about the lack of furniture," he said, pouring himself a glass of wine. "I'm still getting settled in. This couch came with the place and I haven't yet had a chance to replace it with a suite."

"Don't apologize on my behalf," Kathryn answered. "This couch is fine."

Chakotay picked up his glass of wine and took a sip. Kathryn waited for him to speak again, to tell her something of his plans for the apartment as the Chakotay she knew and loved would, but he said nothing.

Kathryn looked into the golden wine in her glass and tears unexpectedly welled in her eyes. She and Chakotay had always been so comfortable together, so natural together. He had been her best friend for so long, but now they couldn't even hold a simple conversation together. How she was going to talk to him about what she had to, she didn't know, but she had to try. She forced back the tears and looked up at him. But, just as she said his name, he said hers. He clearly wanted to say something too.

"You go first," Chakotay said.

"No," Kathryn replied. "You...Please. I insist."

Chakotay seemed to accept her concession and put down the glass in his hands.

"There's something I want to say to you," he said quietly, avoiding her eyes. "And I'll only say it this once." He paused painfully. "I once told you in an ancient legend that I love you, and that hasn't changed. I thought I'd moved on, thought I could accept just friendship between us, but the truth is I want more than that." He finally looked up at her. "I need to know if there's any chance for us now that we're home."

The tears Kathryn had only just managed to suppress filled her eyes once more. Trembling slightly, she reached out and put her hand over his. "Yes, Chakotay. I love you too, very much. The only reason I kept a distance between us on Voyager was because of our positions." She paused and searched for the strength to continue. "But there's something I have to tell you that may change how you feel."

Chakotay gently squeezed her hand, a light now shining in his kind eyes. "Nothing could change how I feel about you."

"This might," Kathryn answered. A stubborn tear ran down her cheek and she clumsily wiped it away. "I've wanted to tell you since it happened, but it was never the right time or the right place. So I had to keep it from you and the guilt of doing so has been very difficult to bear."

Chakotay frowned, not comprehending. "I don't understand," he said quietly. "Keep what from me?"

Kathryn took a deep breath and summoned all her courage. "A few weeks after the Hirogen invasion, I found out I was pregnant." Her voice fell to a whisper. "You were the father."

The blood drained out of Chakotay's face and he slowly withdrew his hand from hers.

"We were clearly intimate during one of the holo-simulations the Hirogens put us in," Kathryn went on, "but like with all the other simulations, we have no recollection of it."

Slowly, painfully, Chakotay got to his feet and wandered over to a naked window.

"This is..."

"Hard to believe, I know," Kathryn said, getting to her feet.

Chakotay turned to her, his body taut and tortured. "You said you were pregnant..."

Kathryn nodded.

"But there was never any..." He was about to say baby, when a terrible thought came to his mind and tears flooded his eyes. "No," he said, his heart contorting in agony. "Please say you didn't..."

"No," Kathryn said, closing the gap between them and putting her hands on his arms. "I wouldn't have, I couldn't have. I froze the embryo."

Infinite relief consumed Chakotay at that and he exhaled, breathing again. But there was still so much pain in his eyes.

"I thought it was the only thing I could do in the circumstance," Kathryn continued. "Neither of us was in a position to have a child and I thought..."

Chakotay broke away from her, anger surfacing now. "You thought? What about me? You had no right to make that decision on my behalf! We should have come to a decision together!"

"I know that now, but I was scared. You would have wanted us to get together and play happy families, even though we had a starship to run and a crew to get home, or you would have wanted to raise the child yourself. Both situations were out of the question so it seemed better not to tell you."

"But what right did you have to decide all this? Dammit, Kathryn! It was my baby too!"

"I know," she said quietly. "And I should have told you. But you think it hasn't tortured me all these years? Why do you think things changed between us afterwards? Why do you think I was more distant? Because the guilt of keeping this from you was terrible."

"My heart bleeds for you!"

Kathryn swallowed. She had expected Chakotay to be angry, but he hadn't been this way with her since their very first few weeks on Voyager, and even then there had always been an undercurrent of respect in his dealings with her. But there was no respect now. All she could see in his eyes now was pain, anger, and loathing

"I was going to tell you tonight," Kathryn said quietly. "Now that we're home I thought..."

"And what if we never made it home? What if we were still on Voyager? Would you ever have told me?"

"I don't know," Kathryn answered honestly. "But maybe that's another reason the Admiral came so that we could get back home in time to be parents..."

"The Admiral," he said, slight bitterness in his voice. "I didn't see you rushing to go along with her plan."

"How could I? For all I knew she could have been species 8472! And even when it seemed like she was who she said she was, going along with her plan wasn't the only way of changing her future..."

Chakotay turned to the window and leant against the frame. "You should have told me, Kathryn. I can't believe you didn't tell me and that you went through all this alone..." He turned to her again, unable to keep still. "Why, Kathryn? Why do you always think you have to do things alone?"

"I don't know," she said quietly.

Chakotay closed the gap between them and seized her firmly, but not harshly. "I thought you trusted me."

"I do," Kathryn replied.

"No," he answered. "You don't. If you did, you would have told me. We'd have made a decision about this together. A decision that would have been right for both of us!"

"I'm sorry," Kathryn said, averting her eyes.

"No, you're not," he argued, breaking away from her. "If you were really sorry, you would have told me long before now." Tears brimmed his eyes. "I thought I knew you, Kathryn. I thought I could trust you. But now it seems like I don't know you at all. I would never have thought you capable of something like this."

"I thought it was for the best," she said helplessly, her argument sounding weak even to her own ears."Try to see it from my point of view..."

"I'm trying, Kathryn. Dammit, I'm trying, but there is no excuse for what you did..."

"I know that, I just...I thought it was for the best. But afterwards..."

"Best for who?" Chakotay retaliated. "Best for me, best for you, best for the baby?"

"For all of us..." She seized Chakotay's arms. "I'm sorry, Chakotay, I am. I'm really, deeply, sorry. I know it was wrong not to tell you. I know that. And it's tortured me. But does it have to matter now? We're home and we can be a family. You, me, and the baby..."

"The end doesn't always justify the means," Chakotay replied. "How can I just forget what you've done?" Tears flooded his eyes again. "I can't, Kathryn. This hurts like... It hurts like hell."

"I'm sorry," Kathryn said tearfully. "I never wanted to hurt you. I love you..."

"And that's love, is it? Keeping the existence of my child a secret from me? Deciding never to tell me unless we get home?"

"I'm sorry," Kathryn said again. "But it wasn't like that. I was scared..."

Chakotay put his head in his hands and rubbed his tired eyes. "I think you should leave, Kathryn..."

"But we need too..."

He lowered his hands and looked at her. "Before we both say something we regret. I need time to get my head around this."

Kathryn hesitated, but then nodded. After what she had done, giving him time and space was the least she could do. "Alright," she said quietly. "I'll leave."

Without another word, she went over to the table and picked up her jacket from behind a chair. In silence she put it on and then walked towards the door. When she reached it, she looked back at Chakotay, hoping with all her heart that he would ask her to stay, but he said nothing. Fighting the tears, she opened the door and left.

**END OF CHAPTER THREE**


	4. Chapter 4

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**  
**(PG:13)**

**Chapter Four**

A soft summer breeze blew across Lake Griffy, rippling the water and blurring the reflected blue sky. Wearing a thin white cardigan over blue jeans and a blue t-shirt, Kathryn sat on the bank of the lake and gazed out vacantly at the scene before her. For as long as she could remember she had come to this place when she wanted to be alone. Tall trees secluded the lake from the rest of the world and very few people came here. In an age of holodecks and starships, natural wonders were generally overlooked in favor of more exotic artificial environments.

How long she had been sitting here, gazing out at the water, she didn't know. Time seemed suspended, seemed both a second and an eternity. Stale tears stained her cheeks and every now and then another tear escaped her tired eyes. Chakotay had reacted as she had expected him to react, as he had ever right to react, but a part of her had hoped for a different outcome. So many times over the past four years she had come close to telling him about the baby, but at the last moment her courage had failed her. She knew how hurt he would be, how angry, and she was scared of the consequences to both their personal and professional relationship. If only she hadn't acted so hastily in her panic. If only she had told Chakotay she was pregnant. She still believed that freezing the embryo was the right thing to do, but she and Chakotay should have come to that conclusion together.

"Kathryn..."

Kathryn froze momentarily at the sound of Chakotay's voice, then quickly got to her feet. Her former First Officer was standing before her, and his eyes were as dull and dark as the black outfit he was wearing.

"Chakotay..."

"Your mother said I would find you here."

Since returning home, Kathryn stayed with her mother in Bloomington every other weekend. It was good to spend time with her mother, and they both enjoyed the company.

"Yes, I was just..." She paused. "After last night, I wasn't expecting to see you today."

"We need to talk. I've been up all night thinking about things and consulting my animal guide and... and just two questions keep coming back to me. Questions I'd like you to answer. Truthfully."

"I will," Kathryn said quietly.

"Firstly, are you really sorry that you didn't tell me?"

Kathryn nodded. "Deeply, truly, and utterly sorry."

Chakotay looked deep into her eyes, searching her soul, and when he saw the truth of those words in them, the pain in his eyes eased a little.

"And secondly, did you want the baby?"

Tears flooded Kathryn's eyes at that and all she could do was nod.

At the sorrow and regret in her eyes, the remaining pain in Chakotay's eyes melted into sadness and he turned towards the lake.

"We all make mistakes," he said quietly. "We've all done things that we've later come to regret. And I know as well as anyone that the first people we hurt by our mistakes are those we love. I never told my father that I planned on going to Starfleet until I had a place. I didn't tell him for two reasons. The first was because I was afraid he would thwart my plans, force me somehow to stay at the tribe. He had that power over me because I loved him and admired him. The second reason was that I didn't want to hurt him. But I hurt him deeply by securing my place at Starfleet without his knowledge, and even more when I left without his blessing. For years afterwards I longed for him to understand, longed to heal the rift between us, but in this mortal life he never forgave me for going my own way. Instead of burying the mistakes of the past so that we could face a future without their burden, he carried them around, refused to let them go." He paused and then turned back to Kathryn. "I don't want the same thing to happen to us. I can't pretend that all this hasn't hurt me, because it has, profoundly, but I love you and I think you love me."

"I do," Kathryn said, interrupting him. "Very much. And I'm sorry, Chakotay. I'm really sorry."

"I believe you," he said quietly. "When you first told me, I was angry, sad, hurt, disappointed, but now I'm more sad than anything else. I'm sad that you didn't feel you could tell me, sad that you went through it all alone, sad that you might never have told me if we hadn't of got home. I'm also sad that I made love with the woman I love, but have no recollection of it. I'm sad about so many things. But I was wrong last night. I do know you. I know you better than you know yourself half the time. While we were stranded in the Delta Quadrant, you believed that you had to deny yourself everything for the crew. You blamed yourself for Voyager being stranded and punished yourself by putting Kathryn in the closet and rarely letting her out. The more Kathryn shouted that she wanted something, the more the Captain denied her. The more she hurt, the better the Captain felt." He paused. "If freezing the embryo is really what you wanted to do, then I would have gone along with that. I would never have asked you to watch me raise our child, knowing how much it would have hurt you to see the child day in and day out. But, for what it's worth, I think we could have played what you call happy families, and played it well. We were thousands of light years from home, and I don't think anyone would have condemned you for making a life for yourself on Voyager. It's what we encouraged everyone to do. But there's no way the captain would have let Kathryn enjoy a family life. There's no way she would have let Kathryn gestate and give birth to a much wanted and loved baby. The more Kathryn loved, the more the Captain had to deny her. The more Kathryn wanted, the more she had to be punished. With Kathryn having to fight the captain so hard, what hope was there of her fighting on my behalf too?"

Kathryn made no reply, just gazed at her hands and fidgeted with her fingers. As usual he had hit the mark.

"What's in the past is in the past," he continued. "I would like there to be a future for us."

Kathryn looked up at him now. "So would I, Chakotay. If you can forgive me..."

Chakotay nodded. "Just promise me you'll never do something like this again."

"Never," she replied, stepping forward and wrapping her arms around his neck. "I promise."

For a long moment, Chakotay made no response. Then slowly, tentatively, he slipped his arms around her and held her in return.

"We'll be happy," Kathryn whispered. "You, me, and our son."

Chakotay drew slightly away from her. "Our son?"

Kathryn nodded. "The baby was a boy." She paused. "When I found out I was pregnant, I panicked. One moment the Doctor was telling me I was pregnant with your child, and the next we were freezing the embryo. The Doctor wanted me to talk to you first, but I just wanted it done. I wasn't thinking straight, don't know what I was thinking. I wish I had told you, wish I hadn't been so hasty." A tear ran down her cheek. "But if you hate me for it, you can't hate me more than I've hated myself."

"I don't hate you," Chakotay replied. He gently brushed his fingers against her cheek. "I love you. I've always loved you. It was wrong not to tell me, and it hurts that you didn't, but you know it was wrong and you're sorry, so I'd like that to be the end of it. As you said last night, we're home now and the three of us can be a family. We can either wallow in regrets of the past like my father did, causing us all more pain in the process, or we can embrace the future and be happy. I know which is my choice."

Kathryn took his hand in hers. "And mine."

"Then let's not dwell on the past. Let's just think about the here and the now and everything we have to look forward to in the future.

Kathryn smiled softly. "Yes. Let's just think of all that."

Chakotay drew her close again and they held each other once more.

**END OF CHAPTER FOUR**


	5. Chapter 5

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**  
**(PG:13)**

**Chapter Five**

A gold ring on Kathryn's left hand sparkled in soft simulated firelight as she sat knitting before a large stone hearth. She and Chakotay had acquired a spacious log-home in a secluded area in the Sierra Nevada mountains, and after weeks of alteration and decoration, it was finally just how they wanted it to be. The home had five ensuite bedrooms, two of them with a balcony, aswell as a living room, a dining room, a kitchen, a study, a transporter room and a holo-room. Every room was equipped with all the latest technology, but she and Chakotay had chosen styles and colors that blended with the traditional and rustic appearance of a log-home. They had considered living in San Francisco, North Carolina and Bloomington, but in the end had settled for a mountainous home. Chakotay wanted to be close to nature, and she wanted a cozy home in a secluded spot that gave them a much needed respite from the intrusive eyes of the public world. There had been a lot of interest in their lives from the media, especially since she they had married, but it was very difficult for unwanted journalists and visitors to bother them here as the area belonged to a National Preservation Park. Access was limited to authorized persons only and the area was monitored for border breaches day in and day out.

"Just eight more rows," she said, tugging at a ball of white wool, "and I've finished the cardigan."

Chakotay looked up at her from a cute black puppy he was playing with on the wooden floor and smiled. "If you carry on at this rate, you'll have knitted an entire wardrobe by the time Junior is born."

Kathryn laughed. "You might be right. But the clothes are so tiny. The sleeves aren't much bigger than my thumbs." She began a new row. "And the Doctor said I need to take things easy while my body adjusts to being pregnant again, so I may as well do something productive."

"You should knit a coat for Ebony. It's starting to get cold outside and I'm sure she'd feel the benefit."

"Good idea," Kathryn replied. "I'll replicate some thick black wool and start one tomorrow." Clicking away, she worked to the end of the row, and then started the next. "I've been thinking, Chakotay. How do you like the name Bilarka for our son? It means "long awaited one" in your tribe.

"I like it a lot," Chakotay replied as hetickled Ebony. "But do you think we should give him a tribal name? It might be better to give him a name more inkeeping with the society he'll be living in."

"That's why I was thinking of Bilarka. We could call him Billy or Bill for short. Then he'd always have the choice of using a tribal or traditional name."

Chakotay looked up at her. "Good thinking. It's a perfect name."

Kathryn smiled warmly at him. "Then Bilarka it is."

She then returned to her knitting and Chakotay got to his feet. "I fancy an apple juice. Anything I can get you?"

"No, thank you. I'm fine."

As Chakotay left the room, Ebony got to her feet and watched the ball of wool her mistress was working from curiously. It looked like a potentially interesting toy. That thought firmly in mind, she bounced over to it and seized it with paws and teeth.

Feeling a weight at the end of the wool, Kathryn looked down.

"Oh, Ebony," she complained as she saw the small dog rolling on her back, entangling herself in the wool. "Get away from the wool. It's not for you."

The dog didn't understand and bounced off with the wool, unraveling half of the knitted cardigan while she went.

"Oh no," Kathryn cried. "Look what you've done. Get back here!"

When the dog still paid no attention, Kathryn got up and ventured over to her.

"Drop, Ebony. Drop!"

But the puppy just looked up at her mistress, ball of wool in her mouth, tail wagging.

Chakotay entered the room and couldn't help laugh at the scene before him. "Looks like Ebony has other ideas about you making her a coat."

"I'd say," Kathryn replied, almost laughing herself. The dog finally dropped the wool and Kathryn bent down to pick it up, talking as she did so. "She's very disobedient, though, Chakotay, we're going to have to..." Her words fell away as a sharp pain pierced her abdomen, forcing her to put her hand there.

Chakotay closed the gap between them. "What's wrong?"

"I don't know," Kathryn replied.

Chakotay put down his glass of apple juice, took the knitting needles from her hand, and then put his arm around her. "Come on. Sit down."

Kathryn did as he suggested, but cried out again in pain.

Chakotay looked at her in concern. "I'll put Ebony in her pen and call the Doctor."

* * *

In less than five minutes, the Doctor arrived.

"The pain is easing now," Kathryn said as he took out a medical tricorder from his med-case. "Maybe I just pulled something when I bent over."

"We'll soon see," the Doctor replied. "Lie down, please."

Kathryn lay down and Chakotay watched as the Doctor scanned her. The EMH then reached into his med-case again and pulled out another piece of equipment.

Kathryn questioned. "What's that?"

"Just lie still, please," the Doctor answered.

Kathryn lay as still as she could and tried to swallow the growing fear inside. The Doctor scanned her with this new instrument and then analyzed the results. As he did so, a profound sadness filled his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly. "We've lost the baby."

For a long moment, no one moved, no one spoke. Then Kathryn broke the terrible silence.

"No," she said, tears filling her eyes. "That can't be...There's no pain anymore and I'm not bleeding."

"You will," he said. "The re-plantation medication is still in your system and it's slowing down the miscarriage process. The pain you just experienced is your body's attempt to expel the embryo."

Kathryn shook her head. "I don't believe it. You examined me only this morning and said he was doing just fine..."

"That was this morning," the Doctor said sadly. "The placenta failed some time this afternoon and cut off life-support. It happens in one out of three re-plantation attempts. I'm sorry."

Kathryn stared at the Doctor in horror, and the look on her face he never wanted to see on anyone's face ever again.

"But he can't be dead..." she said quietly. "He can't he..."

"I'm sorry..."

Kathryn glanced at Chakotay, who looked as though he'd turned to stone, and then back at the Doctor.

"No he..."

But she could say no more as the terrible reality dawned on her. All she could do was cry out with the agony of a grief that was too much to bear.

**END OF CHAPTER FIVE**


	6. Chapter 6

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**  
**(PG:13)**

**Chapter Six**

Oblivious to time and place, Kathryn lay in bed, her eyes glazed and her face as white as the sheets surrounding her. Sun streamed in from the window, bathing the room in a rich golden light, but it was black as night in her soul.

"I've brought you some lunch," Phoebe said, standing by the bed with a silver tray in her hands. "Lenil and Vegetable soup with bread."

Kathryn made no reply.

"Come on now, Kathryn," Phoebe urged, trying not to display the concern she felt at her sister's behavior. "Sit up and eat something. You've got to eat."

Still no response.

"Do you want to have the Doctor again? Because if you don't eat, then we're going to have to..."

Chakotay's voice interrupted her. "Leave the tray on the bedside table."

Phoebe turned in the direction of his voice and found her brother-in-law standing in the doorway. He was casually dressed in black pants and a brown sweater, and looked as though he had aged a decade in the past three days.

"Ok," she answered.

Without another word, she put down the tray and then glanced sadly at her sister before making to leave.

"I haven't had a word out of her all morning," she said to Chakotay when she reached him. "I don't know what to do..."

Chakotay put his hand on her shoulder. "Leave her to me."

Phoebe left the room and Chakotay slowly made his way over to his wife. He looked at her sadly for a moment, and then sat on the edge of the bed. After losing the baby she had gone into shock, and was now suffering from severe depression. Gently, he put his hand to her brow and caressed her tenderly.

"Phoebe's right," he said kindly. "You've got to eat."

No response.

"Please, Kathryn," he begged, tears filling his eyes. "Talk to me."

Slowly, painfully, Kathryn's eyes began to focus and she spoke.

"I killed him," she whispered. "I killed our son."

"No, darling," Chakotay replied. "You mustn't think that. You had a miscarriage."

She shook her head. "Failed re-plantation. There's a difference."

Chakotay reached for her hand and held it in his. "You didn't know this was going to happen. It's not your fault."

"It is," she maintained. "It is my fault. It's all my fault. I knew the risk."

"But you hoped for the best outcome. You wanted what was best for him."

"I should never have frozen him, that's the truth. It's all my fault. No one's but mine. And how can you bear to look at me? How can you bear to touch me? I did it all behind your back and I killed our son."

"What you did then bears no relevance to now. If you'd have told me, I would have gone along with it."

"Yes," she said despondently. "You'd have gone along with it. You'd have agreed with it for my sake. But you wouldn't have wanted it. You'd have wanted us to raise him, either as a couple or through shared custody."

"That is beside the point. I would have agreed to the freezing, and if I had agreed, we would still be here in this situation now. It's not..."

"Exactly," Kathryn went on. "We'd still be here in this situation. Our son is dead because of me. I was so caught up in getting Voyager home and giving the crew their lives back, that I put no value on his life. But he deserved to live too, deserved to share the journey with us like Naomi did and Miral would have done, but I denied him life because I deemed him an inconvenience."

"You're looking at this with distorted vision," Chakotay tried to reason. "You thought he would have a better quality of life in the Alpha Quadrant, whether with us or with adoptive parents. You didn't want this to happen."

"But it did happen, Chakotay. And I... I can't bear it..."

"It will get easier," Chakotay said, trying to reassure her, trying to comfort her. "I promise that it will. We can try for another child and..."

"I don't want another child. I want him. Our Billy."

Tears filled Chakotay's eyes, but he managed to hold them back. He was grieving too, deeply grieving, but was trying to be strong for Kathryn's sake. The Doctor said she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown, and whatever his own thoughts and feelings, he had to put her first.

"We'll get through this," he said quietly. "We'll get through it together."

Kathryn's eyes began to glaze again and she stared ahead. "Just leave, Chakotay. Please. I want to be alone."

Chakotay squeezed her hand. "Don't shut me out, Kathryn. Let me comfort you."

"I don't want comforting. I just want you to go. Please..."

He didn't want to leave her, but neither did he want to upset her.

"On one condition," he conceded. "You try to eat some soup."

For a moment she made no response, but then nodded. "I will try."

Chakotay gently let go of her hand and then kissed her forehead. "I'll be back to make sure that you have."

He then got to his feet and reluctantly left.

* * *

**SIX MONTHS LATER**

A heavy April shower beat down on the log-home Kathryn had briefly shared with Chakotay. Wrapped in a long black coat and holding a matching umbrella to protect herself from the downpour, she stood at the front door and rang the door bell. A familiar dog barked inside, and then the door opened, revealing Chakotay and a now much grown Ebony. Chakotay's hair was now very short and graying, and he had lost some weight.

"Kathryn..."

"Hello, Chakotay."

Ebony jumped up on her and Kathryn petted the affectionate Labrador.

"Hello, old girl."

Chakotay stepped aside. "Please, come in."

Kathryn closed her umbrella, and then stepped into the house.

"You didn't have to ring the bell," Chakotay said, closing the door behind her. "This is still your home."

"Only officially," Kathryn replied. "And that's part of why I'm here." She turned to look at him. "I won't beat around the bush. I want a divorce."

Pain filled Chakotay's kind eyes.

"I've spoken to my solicitor and she says that if you don't contest it, we can be divorced by the fall."

Chakotay averted his eyes and was a moment in speaking. "I wasn't expecting this. I thought...maybe..." He looked up at herwith infinite longing. "I thought maybe you'd come home."

For a moment, just a moment, tears welled in Kathryn's eyes. Then they were gone. "I have a new home now," she said quietly. "And someone new to share it with."

At that, the last glimmer of light in Chakotay's eyes left, leaving them a dark void. "I see," he said quietly.

"I'm sorry, Chakotay."

Chakotay turned away from her and looked out of the hallway window. "How long have you been seeing him?"

"Since February. We've kept it quiet."

"Who is he?"

"That doesn't matter." She paused. "You'll receive a letter from my solicitor tomorrow, but I wanted to tell you in person."

There was a long, heavy, silence, and then Chakotay spoke.

"I don't understand this. I've tried to do everything that you wanted of me. I've given you space, given you time to grieve..." He turned to her. "What have I done wrong?"

Kathryn closed the gap between them. "It's not you, Chakotay. It's me. Since we lost..." She couldn't say his name. "I'm not the same person. The life that we had, the dreams that we had, they're gone. We can never get them back again."

"We can make new ones. I love you, Kathryn. I've never stopped loving you. And I'm willing to bet that this new man you have doesn't love you half as much as I do. We can start over. Please..."

"It's too late, Chakotay. Perhaps it always was for us. I've got a new life now and I want a divorce. Will you agree to it?"

Chakotay turned back to the window, his heart breaking. "If that is really what you want."

"It is."

Chakotay made no reply and was visibly trembling.

"You can have Ebony and the house. She's always been your dog more than mine and it wouldn't be fair to take her from you now."

Only silence answered her.

Well," Kathryn said. "That's all I came to say. I'll leave now." She turned to Ebony and patted the dog again. "Goodbye, old girl. You look after Chakotay and the house." She then looked up at Chakotay and studied him a moment before speaking. "Goodbye, Chakotay. I hope you find someone who will make you happy. You deserve to be happy."

With that, she made her way to the door.

"Kathryn..."

At the sound of her name, she looked back at Chakotay.

"I hope this man, whoever he is, makes you happy too."

Kathryn gave an uncomfortable nod and then hastily opened the door.

"Goodbye, Chakotay."

Before he knew it, the door closed behind her, and he was alone with Ebony. Looking out of the window, he saw Kathryn tap her commbadge, and then moments later she disappeared. When she was gone, he slid to the floor and wept.

**END OF CHAPTER SIX**


	7. Chapter 7

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**  
**(PG:13)**

**Chapter Seven**

Russet leaves fell from tall trees as Ebony ran around the garden of Kathryn's small house in Bloomington. Chakotay had gone on a two week archaeological excursion to Tarlika Prime, and Kathryn was looking after the dog in his absence. From a window in her study, she watched the animal play for a while, and sadness mixed with longing filled her heart as she thought about the life she and Chakotay could have had together. They had only been a couple for a short time, but it had been the happiest time of her life. Now their divorce would be finalized any day, and they would no longer be bound to each other.

Feeling rather thirsty, Kathryn wandered over to the replicator and was just about to replicate a cup of steaming black coffee, when the door chime sounded. Kathryn sighed. Who could it be at this hour? It was almost 7pm and she was expecting no one. Neither was she in the mood to entertain. She had a lot of work to do and looking after Ebony was distracting enough. Reluctantly, she left her study and crossed her small living room on her way to the door. Before opening the door, she peeped into her security monitor to see who was there. It was Professor Curtis Bland, head of Chakotay's department. He was a tall, lean, man with wavy silver hair that fell over gray eyes, and he had a distinctive mole on his left cheek. Surprised to see him, she opened the door.

"Professor Bland..."

"Hello, Admiral," he said quietly. His face was pale and his eyes were heavy. "I'm sorry to trouble you at this hour, but I'm afraid I have some bad news."

Kathryn swallowed and instinctively said what first came to her mind. "Chakotay?"

The man nodded. "It would be better for us to go inside."

Kathryn stepped aside, her stomach churning. "Come in."

Professor Bland entered and Kathryn closed the door.

"What's happened?"

The Professor looked in the direction of a fawn couch in the living room and gestured to it. "I think you should sit, Admiral."

"I'm fine standing," she said, her tone sharper than she intended. "Just tell me what's happened."

The man took a deep breath before speaking. "There's been an accident. Chakotay was exploring some ancient mines witha team of archaelogists when a section he entered collapsed. I don't know how it happened because he was too well experienced to enter an unstable area, but perhaps his equipment failed or he overlooked something." He paused and tears filled his eyes. "The surface team did everything they could to save him, but he was severely injured and died three hours ago. I'm sorry."

Kathryn stared at him, her face bloodless, and for a moment the Professor thought she was going to faint. He stepped forward and gently put his hand on her shoulder. "Is there someone I can call?"

Kathryn made no reply, just continued to stare ahead.

"Admiral..."

"I want to see him," she said quietly. "I want to see Chakotay..."

The Professor nodded. "I'll take you to Tarlika. It will be several days before we're allowed to bring his body home as an official enquiry needs to be made." He paused. "But I think someone should come with us. A family member, a friend..."

"No," Kathryn replied. "I don't want anyone. I...Let's just go."

The Professor wasn't happy about this, but didn't want to argue. "Ok."

"I'll just collect some things," Kathryn continued, visibly dazed, "and get someone to look after Ebony."

* * *

It was day on Tarlika Prime when Kathryn arrived there five hours later with Professor Bland. They transported from his shuttle straight to Darlock hospital, which was a large modern building catering for the medical and mortuary needs of the entire planet. Tarlika only had a population of 700,000, consisting mostly of humans who had settled there in 2219, and Darlock was it's only city.

Professor Bland lead Kathryn down what seemed a labyrinth of corridors until they reached the mortuary. Each one was the same as the last, and they were all a blur in Kathryn's bewildered mind.

A kind male attendant with blonde hair and brown eyes showed Kathryn into a small room, and then left her alone. There was only one biobed in the sterile room, and Kathryn's heart contorted in agony when she saw Chakotay lying lifelessly upon it, a white sheet covering most of his body. Hardly able to breathe, Kathryn collapsed on a stool beside the bed. Trembling violently she gripped Chakotay's left hand and the rings they had exchanged on their wedding day touched. Neither of them had removed the ring. Only once had Kathryn taken it off since the day they were married, and that was only very briefly when she visited Chakotay to tell him she wanted a divorce.

"I'm sorry," she said tearfully. "I'm so sorry..."

There were cuts and bruises on Chakotay's face, upper chest and arms, and Kathryn gazed at them before settling her eyes on his face once more. His dear, beloved, face.

"I never meant for this to happen," she wept. "I never meant for any of this to happen. And it won't. I'm going to change the past. I'm going to change the past so we can all have a different future. That's why I left you. I've been working on a plan since Billy died. I could never do that if we were together. I wouldn't have had the time and you would have tried to stop me if you found out. But I was doing it for us, for our Billy, so that he could have the chance to live. I killed him and it's up to me to put it right. And I will, Chakotay, somehow I will. The Admiral managed to get a temporal deflector and I will too, even if it takes me another twenty years." She kissed his hand, kissed his ring, and then lay her head on his chest. "There was never anyone else, Chakotay. I only said that so you would agree to a divorce. I could never have wanted someone else over you. Never, ever. I love you so much. And I'm going to miss you so much. I never meant for this to happen. I wanted you to be happy, wanted you to have a life with someone who would make you happy for as long as we had to endure this existence. Every day of my life is devoted to my mission now and there's no room for anything else. But I will succeed, Chakotay. No matter how long it takes or what I have to do, I will succeed. And when I'm done, it will all be better. I promise you that. I promise you it will be better."

**End of Chapter Seven**


	8. Chapter 8

**Star Trek Voyager characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN  
(PG:13)**

**Chapter Eight**

**2374**

Wrapped in a white bathrobe, Kathryn Janeway stood in the living room of her quarters and stared pale faced at the medical tricorder in her hands. Then she put down the tricorder and picked up her commbadge. With a trembling hand, she activated it.

"Janeway to the Doctor..."

The Doctor's voice answered. "Go ahead, Captain."

"Please report to my quarters at once. Janeway out."

She then put her commbadge down and made her way back into the bedroom.

When she entered the room and found an older version of herself standing boldly before the bed, she stopped dead in her tracks. Her counterpart was dressed in a plain gray Admiral's uniform and her graying hair was very short.

"Hello, Kathryn," the Admiral said warmly.

Kathryn stared at the vision for a moment and then rubbed her eyes. "Now I know I'm dreaming," she said quietly.

"No," the Admiral replied. "You're not dreaming. This is real. And I'm here to stop you making a big mistake."

Kathryn looked up at her at that. "Mistake?"

"We both know what I'm talking about. I was once you and we both know that you've already decided what you're going to do if the Doctor confirms what you already know."

With infinite suspicion, Kathryn scrutinized the woman before her. "If you are who you say you are, how did you get here?"

"Oh, I'm not really here," the Admiral replied. "If you look closely at my left arm you'll see a holo-emitor."

Kathryn stepped closer to her older-self so she could see her obscured arm. Sure enough, a holo-emitor almost identical to the Doctor's graced her left arm.

"They are mass-produced these days," the Admiral continued, "but they have limited memory and life-span and can't hold a progam as large or as complex as the Doctor's. I downloaded a hologram of myself into one and sent her here with a specific message."

Still suspicious, Kathryn questioned further. "How?"

"It's a long story. Suffice it to say I acquired some temporal technology that would allow me to open a corridor to the past just long enough to transport the emitor to Voyager. It was less risky than coming myself and would suffice for this mission."

The Doctor's voice suddenly called out from the living room. "Captain?"

The Admiral's eyes flew in the direction of the door. "Get rid of him."

Kathryn hesitated a moment, but then went into the living room.

"Captain," the Doctor said when he saw her. "You wanted to see me..."

"Yes," Kathryn replied, "but something's come up. I'll speak to you later."

The Doctor sighed. "Yet another wasted trip. I do wish people would tell me when I'm no longer required."

"My apologies, Doctor," Kathryn answered. "But I really am busy right now..."

"Message received and understood," the Doctor said, turning to face the door. "I will be in sickbay until midnight, but then I'm joining Lieutenant Skitler on the holodeck."

Kathryn frowned. "At midnight?"

"Lunch hour for those on night-shift."

"Of course," Kathryn replied. "See you later, Doctor."

The Doctor left and Kathryn hurried back into the bedroom. She half expected the Admiral to be gone, but she was sitting on the bed, legs crossed.

"In normal circumstances my program could run for 72 hours," she said, "but the emitor sustained some damage during the temporal transport and I don't know how long I've got. So, I'm not going to waste time on small talk. We need to get to the nitty gritty." She paused. "You can't freeze the embryo."

Kathryn flinched. "Then I am...I am pregnant?"

The Admiral nodded. "And Chakotay's the father."

Kathryn's eyes widened and the Admiral got to her feet.

"Don't look so shocked. It had to be him, didn't it? And there's no one else you would want it to be."

Tears welled in Kathryn's eyes. "You really are from the future, aren't you?"

"Yes."

Kathryn was silent as she absorbed this, then asked a question she wasn't sure she wanted an answer too."What will happen if I freeze the embryo?"

The Admiral didn't mince her words. "You will kill it."

Kathryn swallowed and looked at the hologram in horror.

"Not immediately," the Admiral continued."The baby will survive the preservation process, but re-plantation will fail."

Slowly, painfully, Kathryn wandered over to the window and looked out at streaming stars. "Perhaps it won't in my future."

"Your future will be my past unless you listen to what I say and act upon it."

"I am listening," Kathryn said quietly. "But I'm in an impossible situation here. I'm in no position to have a baby. Freezing the embryo is my only option."

"No it isn't. You can tell Chakotay you're pregnant, and you can raise the baby together."

Kathryn turned back to the Admiral and looked at her as though she'd gone insane. "Have you lost your mind? I have a starship to run, a crew to get home."

"Yes," the Admiral replied, unmissable bitterness in her voice, "and one little baby is really going to doom Voyager's chances, isn't it?"

Kathryn turned back to the window. "It's not that simple."

"Yes it is. You're so determined to play the martyr that you've totally lost all sense of reality. You need to get a grip and stop blaming yourself for Voyager being stranded. There was nothing you could have done except destroy that array. The lives of the Ocampa depended on it. You have to stop punishing yourself for things that are beyond your control. It wasn't your fault we got pulled to this quadrant and it isn't your fault that you're pregnant. You've done everything you can to prevent it happening, but it has happened, and now you have to deal with it. Freezing the embryo and not telling Chakotay until we get home is not the answer. Right now, an innocent baby is depending on you for life far more than any one on board this ship ever will."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "But how can I be a mother? I have so many duties and obligations and Voyager is no place for a child."

"Naomi is happy enough, and she only has a mother on board. You think that you have to do everything alone, but you wouldn't be alone. You know that Chakotay would want to be involved, that he would even raise the baby alone if he had too, and there's plenty of people on board who could help. There's young Tal Celes, for example, who would be a better nanny than she will ever be a Starfleet Officer. There is no reason to terminate this pregnancy. You just think you have to because you're scared and haven't thought things through."

"You're right," Kathryn admitted. "I am scared."

"And there's no need to be. All you have to do is find the courage inside to follow your heart. Because I know how much you want this baby. And Chakotay and the crew will be there for you all the way. You can absolutely count on that."

Kathryn turned to the Admiral, a legion of doubt still in her eyes. "But you clearly made it home. And, by the look of you, within the next ten years or so. How can I risk that by changing the future?"

"Believe me, Kathryn. The future I come from you don't want to happen. It won't be just the baby that will die. Chakotay will die too."

Blood drained out of Kathryn's face. "Chakotay?"

The Admiral nodded. "He will be killed on a field trip. The official verdict will be accidental death, but in reality it will be death by misadventure. Because of things that will happen to him, because of things that will happen between you both, he won't be concentrating on what he's doing and will die as a result." She paused. "You can't let it all happen again. You have to listen to me."

Kathryn was quiet a moment, then she questioned again. "If I have the baby, will we still get home?"

"Yes," the Admiral replied. "There is no reason why you shouldn't. Between here and the Alpha quadrant is a nebula containing a Borg transwarp hub. You will reach it in approximately three years time and can use it to get home. I've downloaded into this emitor the exact location of the hub, all the information we collected on it, and the co-ordinates of a gateway within it back to the Alpha Quadrant. I've also downloaded some cryptic information that may help save some lives between now and then." She paused. "In my timeline we had a little help from, how can I put it, another me from another future, to equip Voyager with armor to protect us from the Borg and get us through the nebula safely. Then, when we used the hub to get Voyager home, my counterpart destroyed the array. But, with three years to think on it, I'm sure you and the crew can come up with an even better plan.To make it easier for you, I've downloaded details on how to create a cloak for Voyager. I recommended the challenge for a group of engineering bright sparks at the Academy two years ago, and they didn't let me down. It may require some fine tuning, but you've got plenty of time."

Kathryn raised her hand to her brow, her head aching. "Are you saying there will be another me arriving in three years time?"

"No," the Admiral smiled. "There won't be another you in three years time. At least I hope not. She was part of my timeline, but won't be a part of yours." The Admiral then closed the gap between herself and Kathryn. "I wasn't here when I was you, but I wish I had been. Don't make the same mistakes I did. Tell Chakotay you're pregnant and keep the baby. If you don't, I can tell you with absolute certainty that you will regret it for the rest of your life."

The Admiral's image began to deteriorate, and then she disappeared completely for a few seconds. When she reappeared, the emitor on her arm flashed orange.

"My program is breaking up," the Admiral said, her voice crackling with interference. "But you've got to listen, Kathryn. You can't..."

But then she vanished and the emitor fell to the floor.

For a long moment, Kathryn just looked at it. Then she knelt down beside it and picked it up. The device was warm to the touch and an orange light still flashed on it. Then the light disappeared and the device turned cold.

**End of Chapter Eight**


	9. Chapter 9

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**  
**(PG:13)**

**Chapter Nine**

Outside a window in Chakotay's quarters stars streamed by at warp speed. Dressed in full uniform, Kathryn watched them for a while, and then turned to look around the living room. The room was bathed in soft candlelight and soothing classical music was playing. There was a pretty tapestry on a distant wall, several comfortable looking chairs of an intricately woven fabric, and interesting artefacts were on display. As Kathryn looked around, it occurred to her how seldomly she came here. When she and Chakotay spent time together off-duty, it was always in her quarters, the holodeck, or the mess-hall.

"I'm sorry to bother you at this hour," Kathryn said as Chakotay made his way from the bathroom, wrapped in a brown bathrobe. He had been running a bath and had just popped into the bathroom to stay the water. "But I really have to talk to you."

"You're welcome here at any hour," Chakotay replied. He gestured to the window-couch. "Please, take a seat."

Kathryn did as he suggested, and tried hard to fight the urge to get up and pace the room. Instead, she fidgeted with the commbadge on her uniform.

"Can I get you a drink?" Chakotay asked. "Wine, coffee, juice?"

"No, thank you," Kathryn replied.

Chakotay picked up a half consumed glass of wine he had been enjoying earlier, and sat in a chair opposite her.

"What do you want to talk about?"

Kathryn moved her hand to her neck and rubbed their anxiously. "Something's happened," she began. "I mean, something's happened after something's happened."

Chakotay frowned, perplexed. "I don't follow."

"It seems that during one of the..." She coughed nervously, clearing her very tight throat, "holo-deck simulations that the Hirogen put us in, you and I we..."

Chakotay took a sip of his wine. "We what?"

"We did something that...that we normally wouldn't do."

Chakotay smiled. "If we believed ourselves to be the characters in whatever simulation they put us in, that goes without saying."

"I mean, really wouldn't do," Kathryn replied. Tears filled her eyes and her voice fell to a whisper. "I'm pregnant."

Chakotay's eyes widened. "Pregnant?"

Kathryn nodded. "And you're the father."

For a long moment Chakotay just stared at her, desperately trying to absorb this, then he put down his glass of wine, got up, and went to sit beside her.

"Are you sure?"

"Sure that this is happening? No. I keep thinking I'm dreaming or I've stepped into some kind of alternate reality. But I am sure that I've just been to sickbay and been told by the Doctor that I'm six weeks pregnant with your child."

Chakotay looked away, clearly dazed. "I...I don't know what to say," he said. "I can't remember any of the simulations, certainly not..." He turned back to her, tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry."

Kathryn reached for his hand and held it in hers. "It's not your fault, Chakotay. We were who we were programmed to be. We had no control over our actions. We don't even remember them."

Chakotay squeezed her hand. "I wish I did." The thought of having made love with the woman he loved, but having no recollection of it, hurt profoundly.

Kathryn squeezed his hand in return. "Me too."

They looked regretfully into each other's eyes for a moment, then Kathryn spoke again.

"But there's no point in us deliberating over what's happened. What matters now is where we go from here."

Chakotay nodded.

"I won't lie to you," Kathryn said honestly. "I almost didn't tell you about this. And the reason I almost didn't tell you was because I wanted to freeze the embryo and didn't think you would agree." She paused. "Knowing you aswell as I do, my guess was...my guess is...that you want us to raise the baby on Voyager."

"Yes," Chakotay replied. "I don't believe in choosing when a person will live anymore than I believe in choosing who will live and who will die." He paused. "But this isn't my decision alone, and I'm not the one who will carry the child. If freezing the embryo is what you want, then I will agree to it."

"It isn't," Kathryn answered. "It was at first, but then..." She let go of Chakotay's hand, reached into her pocket, and pulled out the Admiral's holo-emitor. "I had a visitor from the future. Suffice it say she was my voice of conscience."

Chakotay took the emitor from her hands and studied it. "A holographic you from the future?"

Kathryn nodded. "I've analyzed the emitor and it's components are dated 2389."

Chakotay handed the device back to her. "What did she say?"

"Mainly what my heart is saying. I don't want to freeze the embryo. I just felt it was my only option. She helped me to see that it isn't."

"And she's right. There's no reason why we can't raise this child on Voyager. We'd manage between us and there's plenty of people onboard to help." He paused. "If you want, we could even..."

Kathryn put her fingers to his lips as tears flooded her eyes. "No," she said quietly. "Don't say it. Raising this child between us is one thing, but to do it as a couple...it's impossible."

Chakotay gently took her hand in his as she released his lips. "We're a long way from the Federation, Kathryn. No one would condemn you for making a life for yourself on this ship. It's what we've encouraged everyone to do. It may be years before we get home, if we ever do."

"We will," Kathryn replied. "And sooner than you think." She paused. "There's a Borg transwarp hub...somewhere between here and the Alpha Quadrant. My holographic counterpart told me about it and said we'll reach it in approximately three years time. In fact, she did more than just tell me about it. She told me there was a file within the emitor containing information about the hub and it's exact location. I've extracted the file and it contained everything she said it would. We can use the hub to get home."

Chakotay pondered this a moment. "It sounds risky," he considered. "We'd have to fly into the heart of Borg space. The chances are we'd be assimilated."

"Not if the Borg can't detect us. There's information in the file how to create a cloak for Voyager. It will involve some degree of trial and error, but we've got plenty of time. In my counterpart's timeline we used the hub to get home, and we can use it in this one too."

"With a cloak it would certainly be a possibility," Chakotay responded, "but it's still only that, a possibility. If this transwarp hub is three years away, it's too far away for us to even verify its existence. And, even if it does exist and we do use it to get home, that's all in a future that hasn't happened yet, and has no bearing on our present situation. We're not even supposed to know about this hub."

"No, we're not. And I don't intend to tell the crew about it, not yet, anyway. I don't want them or Starfleet Command to know about my 'special visitor'. There's no need for them to know. I'll find ways and means of preparing for Operation Borg Transwarp Hub without anyone knowing we're preparing for it." She paused. "I've only told you because this concerns us both and I know I can trust you to keep all this to yourself."

"Absolutely. But it doesn't change the here and now. I love you, Kathryn. I know you know that. And I believe you love me. There's no reason why we can't lead a happy family life on this ship and get the crew home aswell. At one time a relationship between us may have been difficult, but we're one crew now, one family. The crew will accept us."

A tear ran down Kathryn's cheek. "It wouldn't be right, Chakotay. I'm the captain of this ship and you're my First Officer. We have to maintain some detachment and professionalism. I know it's only superficial, because we're all developed attachments to each other that could compromise professionalism, but I need to maintain at least some distance between us while I'm captain. And, let's remember that officially you're not even my First Officer. Officially you're in my custody. There's every chance you will be exonerated when we get home because of your services on Voyager, but if we compromise the command structure, it could negatively impact those chances. And, even if that wasn't an issue, us being a couple would change the whole dynamic of this ship. I know that us having a child together will change things too, but not as much as us being a couple would. The child will just be another mutual responsibility."

Chakotay looked at her sadly. "Shared custody?"

Kathryn nodded. "But," she said hesitantly, "it doesn't always have to be that way. If we get home in three years time, then..." She stopped, waiting for him to take the hint.

"You would like us to be a family?"

Kathryn nodded again. "If you're exonerated and we're no longer in a command structure,we could be together without guilt then. The child would still be young enough to grow up in a family environment and would already know us as mom and dad. I doubt he would even remember much about these Voyager years, and during them would be far too young to understand that we're not a couple in the romantic sense."

Chakotay couldn't help catch the word. "He?"

Kathryn bit her lip. She hadn't intended to let the gender slip, just incase Chakotay wanted it to be a surprise. But, it was too late now. "I asked the Doctor the gender, and he said we're having a boy."

"I see," Chakotay replied, absorbing this. "A son..."

Kathryn lowered her eyes. "But I know that three years is a long time to wait and...and there's no guarantees."

Chakotay reached out and put his hand on her shoulder. "I would gladly wait three years if it meant I could spend the rest of my life with you. I just don't think waiting is necessary. We've got a long way to go and the future is a blank page."

"I know. And I'd never ask you to wait. I'm just 'hypothesizing' about what could happen if all goes to plan. Because I'm determined that it will, Chakotay. I'm determined that we'll find this hub and use it to get home." She paused. "I know it's not much, but it's the best I can offer. There's no way we can be more than friends while I'm captain of this ship. I just can't do it. I can't..." Her lip trembled and she looked as though she was going to cry.

Chakotay squeezed her shoulder. "Then I'll wait, Kathryn. I promise you I'll wait as long as it takes."

"No," Kathryn said sadly. "No promises. We could still have a long journey ahead of us and anything could happen. Let's have no promises, no commitment. Let's just have..." She paused for emphasis, "a hypothesis."

Chakotay understood her meaning. She didn't want them to make any plans or commitment, just to have a tacit understanding that a future for them as a couple was possible if they both felt the same way when they got home.

"Alright," he answered. "We'll have a hypothesis."

He gently withdrew his hand from her shoulder and smiled, his face glowing.

Kathryn questioned. "What is it?"

"We're having a baby," he replied, his eyes sparkling.

"Yes," Kathryn answered, his joy infecting her until she smiled too. "We are..."

Chakotay got to his feet and held out his arms to the side in a subtle invitation to embrace. Kathryn hesitated a moment, but then got to her feet and stepped into his arms. Chakotay wrapped them around her, and they held each close.

**END OF CHAPTER NINE**


	10. Chapter 10

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**  
**(PG:13)**

**Chapter Ten**

EIGHT MONTHS LATER

Sitting up in bed in a pale blue nightdress, Kathryn watched as Chakotay cradled a beautiful baby boy in his arms. The baby was wrapped in a soft white blanket and had a mop of black fluffy hair.

"He's going to look like you," Kathryn said, gazing at her baby in adoration. "I can see it already."

Chakotay smiled, his eyes also on the child. "He certainly has my lips. But I think he has his mother's nose."

"Do you think?"

"Absolutely." He looked up at Kathryn. "How are you feeling by now?"

"Sore still," she answered, "but the Doctor says I will be for a couple of days." She smiled. "But with all ten pounds of him to push out, I'm lucky I didn't burst an artery."

Chakotay laughed softly, and then looked at her tenderly. "You did really well. I'm really proud of you. What you went through it was...it was very humbling."

"You did well too," Kathryn said sincerely. "If you weren't there, I think I would have decompiled the Doctor. Or at least done some serious damage to his personality subroutines."

Chakotay laughed again. "Maybe we should change his gender and program a pregnancy. It might make him more sympathetic."

"What an excellent idea," Kathryn teased. "But it would have to be the most difficult and painful birth in the history of difficult and painful births."

Chakotay smiled. "How about twice over with twins?"

Kathryn laughed. "Better still."

Chakotay reached into his pocket and pulled out a small box of gold velvet.

"This is for you."

Kathryn took the box and carefully opened it. Inside, nestling in white satin, was a gold chain with a beautiful round blue-tinted glass pendant. Inside the glass was a lock of black hair.

"It's our son's hair," Chakotay explained. "I cut off a little bit when he was born and preserved it in the pendant."

Kathryn ran her hand over the pendant, tears in her eyes. "It's beautiful, Chakotay. Thank you." She looked up at him and smiled warmly. Chakotay smiled in return, and for a moment they lost themselves in each other's eyes. Then Chakotay broke their gaze and looked again at his son.

"Now that Junior's here," he said, "we're going to have to decide on a name."

"Yes, we are," Kathryn said, closing the box in her hand and putting it down on the bed. "And I think I've found the perfect one. Bilarka."

"A tribal name?"

Kathryn nodded. "He's going to have the Janeway surname but I'd like him to have some of your heritage too."

"Thank you," Chakotay replied, "but it might be better to give him a name more typical of the culture he'll be living in."

"Which is why Bilarka is so perfect. We could call him Billy for short, but as he grows up he could use Bill, if he preferred, or his tribal name."

"Good thinking," Chakotay smiled. "Sounds perfect."

Kathryn smiled in return. "Then Bilarka it is."

Chakotay was just about to speak when Tuvok's voice sounded over the comm.

"Tuvok to Commander Chakotay. Please report to the bridge."

Disappointment filled Chakotay's eyes. The bridge was the last place he wanted to be. He'd hoped to have at least a couple of hours with Kathryn and their new born son.

"Looks like duty calls," he said sadly. He looked again at his baby and then kissed the child's tiny forehead. Then he got to his feet and handed the child to Kathryn. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

Kathryn smiled. "We'll be here."

Chakotay gently put his finger to his son's warm cheek and stroked it affectionately. "See you later, Billy."

He then left, leaving Kathryn alone with their son.

When he was gone, Kathryn carefully put Billy down in an incubator that was conveniently placed at the right side of her bed, and then got to her feet. Slowly, stiffly, she made her way over to a small set of draws in a corner of the room and opened the top one. She reached inside, pulled out a holo-emitor, and then closed the draw.

"Computer," she said, making her way back to the bed. "Lock my quarters."

The computer responded in seconds. "Quarters locked."

Kathryn sat down on the right side of her bed, fiddled with the emitor, and then put it to the floor. Moments later, the Admiral appeared.

"Welcome back," Kathryn said, getting to her feet again.

"You were able to reactivate my program," the Admiral stated.

"Yes," Kathryn answered. "There was a short circuit. I fixed it."

"Good work. Now, you've got to listen to me, Kathryn. You can't freeze the embryo."

Kathryn smiled. "Quite some time has passed since you were last here. He's not an embryo anymore." She gestured to the incubator at her left. "See for yourself."

The Admiral looked in the direction of Kathryn's hand, and her face lit up with infinite joy when she saw a beautiful baby boy sleeping soundly amidst white blankets.

"He was born this morning," Kathryn continued. "10lbs 2 ounces. Not exactly a light load to push into the world."

The Admiral stepped closer to the incubator and gazed at the baby in total serenity.

"I did it," she said happily. "I saved our Billy."

Kathryn flinched at his name. "How do you know his...?" Then she paused. "Of course. If we chose it now, then we chose it in your timeline too..."

The Admiral reached out and brushed her finger against the baby's cheek. "Hello, Billy. Hello my darling, precious, boy." She then leant forward and tenderly kissed the baby's forehead. "Everything is going to be just fine now. Just fine." She gazed at the baby for a moment longer, then drew away from him and turned to Kathryn. "I said it would be ok, didn't I? I said you could do it."

"Yes," Kathryn replied, her eyes moist. "You did."

"And Chakotay? Is he happy?"

"Very happy."

"I knew he would be. And he will be a fine father. The best father there is."

"We're sharing custody," Kathryn said, stepping closer. "We've had our quarters modified to include two more rooms inbetween us. One is a nursery, which can be accessed from both our quarters, and the other is a room for Celes, which has private access. She's going to be our nanny."

"A satisfactory arrangement," the Admiral replied, her eyes twinkling. "On a temporary basis."

Kathryn smiled at that and the Admiral then turned to look at the baby again.

"Goodbye, my darling Billy. I won't be seeing you again. My mission is complete."

"Not quite complete," Kathryn said.

The Admiral turned to her. "How do you mean?"

"I'm going to need your help in about two years time to destroy the Borg transwarp hub."

The Admiral smiled, totally comprehending. "Of course."

The door chime sounded and Kathryn glanced in the direction of the living room. "That will be Sam and Naomi. They said they would come to see me this evening. I'm going to have to deactivate you."

"No need. I can deactivate myself." She held her hand out to Kathryn. "See you in about two years time."

Kathryn took her hand and shook it. "I look forward to it."

The Admiral then deactivated herself, and the emitor fell to the floor.

**END OF CHAPTER TEN**


	11. Chapter 11

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**  
**(PG:13)**

**Chapter Eleven**

A cup of hot black coffee in her hands, Kathryn watched from a window-seat in the nursery as her son slept soundly. He was lying beneath a soft yellow blanket in a cot that Chakotay had made especially for him, and only the blue-tips of bunny ears were visible on the white body-suit he was wearing. Billy Janeway was now ten months old and was growing to look more and more like his father every day. He had the same thick black hair, same chocolate brown eyes, and same cute dimples when he smiled. Every now and then, Kathryn took a sip of her coffee, hoping the black liquid would awaken her senses. It had been a terrible day and she was exhausted. Voyager had come under attack by aliens on a booty hunt and it had taken several hours to escape them. Many onboard had been injured during the conflict, Billy amongst them. The aliens had attacked without warning or provocation, and Billy's bouncer had overturned in the assault. Luckily he had been unharmed, but the incident had shaken both her and Chakotay.

In the soft glow of a night light, Kathryn's eyes wandered from her son to his surroundings. As she looked around, the sadness in her heart weighed heavier. While the room was cheerful enough with a bright yellow carpet, transfers of nursery-rhyme characters on the walls, and colorful letters of the alphabet on the ceiling, it was still a room on a starship struggling to survive in hostile space. There were very few toys in the room, as replicator resources had to be preserved for more essential items, and the view from the window was always the same. There was no night or day in this room, no winter or summer. Day in, day out, all that could be seen outside was stars streaming by in the blackness of space.

The doors to her left suddenly opened, and Chakotay came in. He was dressed in uniform, but, like her, was wearing only t-shirt and pants.

"Hi," he said quietly when he saw Kathryn on the window-seat.

"Hi," she replied.

Chakotay wandered over to the cot and looked down at his son. When he saw that Billy was fast asleep, he smiled. "Well and truly in the land of nod."

Kathryn put down her coffee on a thin shelf behind her, got to her feet, and joined Chakotay at the cot. "What happened today it...it really scared me."

"Me too," Chakotay replied.

"We're going to have to review Billy's safety measures. They're clearly inadequate."

Chakotay turned to Kathryn and looked at her sadly. "We have every possible safety measure in place, Kathryn. There's no more we can do."

"Maybe not, but a review won't hurt. I'll arrange a meeting with the Doctor, Celes and our safety team tomorrow. I'll ask Sam to come too. It's about time we reviewed Naomi's situation aswell."

She gazed forlornly at their son, and Chakotay noticed how pale and tired she looked.

"Have you had dinner?"

"No," she replied. "With everything that's happened today, I haven't had a chance."

"Then would you care to join me for a meal on the holodeck?"

Kathryn looked up at him. "The holodeck?"

"I have a couple of hours reserved tonight. I was going to ask you to join me earlier as there's something I want to show you, but then we came under attack. I'm sure Celes or Sam will mind Billy."

Kathryn hesitated a moment as she didn't think she had the energy to make it to the turbo lift, let alone to the holodeck, but there was so much anticipation in Chakotay's eyes that she didn't like to disappoint him. "Alright," she said, giving a tired smile. "You're on."

* * *

"So," Kathryn said as she and Chakotay entered holodeck 2, "what is it that you want to show me?"

"You'll see," Chakotay smiled. "Computer, play program Vengeance."

Instantly, the plain silver surroundings of the holodeck changed into blue sea and sky, and Kathryn found herself standing on the deck of a huge pirate ship with blood-red sails.

"Welcome aboard _The Vengeance_," Chakotay proclaimed.

Kathryn looked up and around. "An impressive vessel. But is it supposed to mean something?"

Chakotay's eyes twinkled. "Something very important. The existence of our son."

Kathryn turned to him. "You mean?"

Chakotay nodded. "It occurred to me recently that perhaps it would be possible to recover something of the simulations the Hirogens put us in by combing the holo-computer's memory database. Over ninety five percent of record data was lost, but that had to mean some survived. I discussed it with Tom and B'Elanna, and they said they'd look into it. Tom came to see me last night and said they'd managed to recover fragments of several programs. This one and the western one we were in during the last week of the invasion were amongst them."

"Good thinking," Kathryn surmised. "Well done." She then sighed. "It's just too bad we'll never know who we were in the simulations."

"Actually, we can have some idea. Tom was able to retrieve a template of our characters in several of the simulations."

"Including this one?"

"Yes. We'll probably never know for sure, but this simulation is the only one recovered that ticks all the boxes regarding the timing of Billy's conception. We were both in it and the dates concur. Tom wasn't able to find a template for me in the western simulation, which either means I wasn't in it, or the template has been lost." He smiled. "You were Calamity Janeway."

Kathryn laughed softly. "Very gung-ho,"

"Gung-ho?"

"Long story. Go on."

"Well, from what Tom has been able to deduce from the remains of the templates, our characters weren't programmed to be romantically involved. But, we've always known that development was most likely due to..." he searched for the right words... "other influences."

"Quite," Kathryn smiled. Her eyes rested on a thick wooden plank that lead off the starboard side of the ship, and she walked in the direction of it. "So, who were we in this simulation?" She glanced back at Chakotay briefly. "No, let me guess. You were the captain."

"Why me?" Chakotay asked, amused.

"Well, women couldn't be captains in the days of privateers, so it couldn't have been me."

"I don't think the Hirogens paid that much attention to detail," Chakotay smiled, making his way over to her.

Kathryn climbed onto the plank and Chakotay watched curiously. "What are you doing?"

"Walking the plank. I used to love pirate stories as a child and have always wanted to do this."

"Be careful," Chakotay teased, "the sharks might bite."

"I'll take my chances."

She walked to the end of the plank and then looked out at the distant horizon where a calm blue sea met a cloudless blue sky.

"Glorious," she smiled. "I think I would have liked being a sea captain in those days. Not as exciting as space travel, granted, but in an age when the stars were off limits, it would have been the next best thing. It must have been exciting to sail the unknown in magnificent ships like this and discover all kinds of mystical islands."

"Well," Chakotay replied. "You may never get to be a sea-captain in this life, but in this virtual existence you were certainly a captain to be reckoned with."

Kathryn turned towards him. "I was captain?" Then she smiled. "Of course. Voyager, Vengeance, they switched the setting."

She made her way back across the plank and took Chakotay's offered hand as she descended a couple of steep steps onto the deck. When she was down, Chakotay let go of her hand and spoke.

"There was enough detail in the templates for Tom to create a visual display. Want to see what we looked like?"

"Oh yes," Kathryn said eagerly.

Chakotay addressed the computer. "Computer, display Janeway template."

Instantly, an image of Kathryn materialized wearing black boots over red pants, a brown leather tunic over a loose white shirt, and a glittering jeweled patch over her left eye. A black silk scarf was tied around her head of very short hair, and hanging from a black belt around her waist was a sword enclosed in a gleaming silver case.

"Let me introduce Captain Jewel-Eye," Chakotay smiled.

Kathryn laughed at the curious looking hologram. "Captain Jewel-Eye? The Hirogens were clearly more imaginative than I gave them credit for." She circled the hologram. "Love the pants, hate the hair."

Chakotay laughed. "Wait until you see my hair."

"I don't think I can," she smiled. "Computer, display Chakotay template."

Immediately an image of Chakotay appeared before her. He was wearing a black pirate outfit consisting of baggy black pants, black knee-high boots and a loose black shirt, and he had a sword encased in bronze hanging from his waist. A triangular shaped black hat graced his head, on which was the image of a skull and crossbones, and just visible beneath it was a deep red scar. A thick gold hoop hung from his right ear and his jet black hair was so long that it reached the black belt around his middle.

Kathryn laughed heartedly

"I warned you," Chakotay smiled, his heart warming at Kathryn's laugher. It had been a long time since she had laughed like this. Too long.

"Not sufficiently," she replied. "Does this vagabond have a name?"

"Cracklefire."

At that, Kathryn laughed until her eyes watered. Then she slowly sobered. "I can't believe we really thought we were these people. Are you sure these are the only likely candidates for Billy's genesis?"

"As sure as we can ever be."

Kathryn began to circle the characters again, and addressed the computer as she walked.

"Computer, copy to Janeway template all personality characteristics of hologram character Captain Kathryn Janeway."

The computer voice responded. "Request processed."

"Now, apply a neural interface to Janeway template that makes character believe she is captain of this vessel, Captain Jewel-Eye, but retain predominant characteristics of character Kathryn Janeway, including romantic attractions."

"Request processed."

"Now, do the same to template Chakotay using hologram character Commander Chakotay."

"Request processed."

"Now, activate holograms in 60 seconds and depict most likely relationship between characters in this simulation."

The computer voice questioned. "Please state nature of desired demonstration. Passive or interactive."

"Passive," Kathryn replied.

"Characters activating in 60 seconds. Stand by."

Kathryn and Chakotay backed away from the holograms to give them space, and then watched as they came to life.

_Sweat began to glisten on the characters foreheads and they both pulled out their sword. Then they turned towards each other and began to fence vigorously._

_"Give me your bag of diamonds," Captain Jewel-Eye said as she slammed her sword against Cracklefire's, "and we'll call it quits."_

_Cracklefire laughed. "I'm not done for yet."_

_Captain Jewel-Eye lurched forward, forcing him to take backward steps as they dueled._

_"I can keep this up all night, and keep it up I will until I get those diamonds."_

_"Then you'll have to keep it up."_

_He swooped away from the side of the boat, still in defensive position, and they continued to duel as they moved quickly across the deck. At last, Cracklefire managed to get the captain on the defensive._

_"I'm the one calling the shots now," he gloated."Give me your prize emerald and I'll show you mercy."_

_"Over my dead body."_

_"It might just be that."_

_Captain Jewel-Eye jumped onto a mound of rope, leaped onto a barrel, and then with a quick flick of her wrist forced him to retreat as her sword came down in his direction. He tripped over the rope beneath his feet and both his sword and hat went flying across the deck as he crashed to the floor. Almost before he hit the planks beneath him, Captain Jewel-Eye jumped on top of him and held her sword over him in a threatening manner._

_"Now you will surrender the diamonds."_

_Cracklefire laughed. "I think I will not."_

_"You dare to resist me? I have sliced the throats of men for less."_

_He looked her boldly in the eye. "Then I dare you to do it."_

_Captain Jewel-Eye waved her sword above him and then brought the sharp blade within an inch of his skin. Then she flicked her wrist again and lunged the sharp point into his wild hair._

_"Draw game," she said in defeat._

_Cracklefire exhaled, his relief visible. "You had me going there."_

_"Oh," his captor smiled, removing her sword. "Would I really trade you for your diamonds?"_

_Cracklefire's eyes sparkled. "Does that mean you love me more?"_

_Captain Jewel-Eye chuckled and squeezed his cheek with her left hand. "It means you are of equal value. I intend to have you both."_

_"You vex me."_

_"My poor darling," she smiled, moving her hand to his hair and running her fingers through it. "How can I make amends?"_

_Cracklefire removed her sword from her right hand, cast it to the deck, and then began to unlace her tunic. "I can think of at least one way."_

_Captain Jewel Eye laughed and then slid down his body until she was lying on top of him. She then put her mouth to his and they kissed deeply. Cracklefire rolled on top of her and then looked down at her._

_"Looks like I hold you captive now."_

_"Looks like you do."_

_"Question is, what shall I do with you?"_

_"What indeed."_

_He then lowered his lips to hers and they kissed again._

"Computer," Kathryn said, blushing slightly, "end program."

Instantly, the scene before her vanished and was replaced with the plain gray surroundings of the holodeck.

"Well," she said, turning to Chakotay, "I guess that settles where our darling came from."

"I guess it does," Chakotay replied.

A brief, awkward, silence followed, and then they both laughed, breaking the tension.

"So," Kathryn said when they finally sobered. "Where are you taking me for dinner?"

"How does a quaint old restaurant in southern Tuscany sound?"

"Sounds perfect," Kathryn smiled.

Chakotay smiled in return and then addressed the computer. "Computer, begin program Toscana 152."

Immediately they found themselves on a pretty sandstone terrace overlooking a tranquil shore at sunset. Three beautifully decorated tables stood before them, all unoccupied, and Chakotay gestured to the central one.

"After you, Madam."

Kathryn made her way over to the table, and Chakotay followed.

**END OF CHAPTER ELEVEN**


	12. Chapter 12

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**  
**(PG:13)**

**Chapter Twelve**

**2378**

From a window in her ready room, Kathryn looked out at the space they were traveling through. According to the information her holographic self from the future had given her, this was the region of space where the Borg transwarp hub could be found. Sensors had detected a nebula at the exact location the Admiral's information had said it would be, and Voyager was now on course for it. Apart from herself, only Chakotay, B'Elanna, Tuvok and Seven knew of the hubs existence. She had told them of a temporal infraction which had provided her with certain information, but hadn't told them of her "special visitor".

It had taken B'Elanna less than six months to create a cloak from the template provided, and for the past week the cloak had been continually in use. There were still some problems in maintaining the cloak, but so far is was holding up well, and Kathryn could only hope that it would hold until Operation Borg Transwarp Hub was complete. She had expected this region to be teaming with Borg, but not so much as one Borg cube had been detected in the past seven days. Kathryn had tried to not be unsettled by this, but now that they were only a few hours away from the nebula, she couldn't help give in to a growing fear that perhaps the hub did not exist after all.

The door chime sounded, and Kathryn called out.

"Come in."

The doors opened and Chakotay came in. Kathryn glanced at him briefly, but then looked out of the window again.

"Any sign of the Borg?"

"No," Chakotay replied. "But we are picking up what looks like wormholes within the nebula."

Kathryn turned to him at that. "Wormholes?"

"At the exact same place within the nebula that you were expecting the hub to be."

Kathryn pondered this, the reels of her mind turning. "Perhaps there is no hub," she contemplated. "Perhaps the hub was representative of something else...a cryptic message."

"Certainly a possibility."

"But if that was so," Kathryn considered further, "why provide us with information on how to create a cloak? Unless, of course, this region is inhabited by a species we can't detect..." She paused. "How long until we reach the nebula?"

"At our current speed, about two hours."

Kathryn was just about to speak when Harry's voice sounded over the comm.

"Kim to Captain Janeway. A Borg cube has just been detected leaving the nebula."

Kathryn's eyes lit up at this news. "Understood. Proceed to our destination. Janeway out."

The connection terminated and Kathryn smiled at Chakotay. "Looks like there might be a Borg Transwarp hub after all."

* * *

On the bridge's large viewscreen, Kathryn watched from her seat as Voyager entered the glowing nebula.

"Status of cloak, Mr Tuvok."

"Holding fast, Captain," the Vulcan answered.

"Alert me immediately if there is any degradation, no matter how small."

"Yes, Ma'am."

A Borg cube suddenly came into view, followed by a legion.

"Reduce speed, Mr Paris," she cried. "Evasive maneuvers."

The cubes whizzed passed them, totally oblivious to their presence, and more hovered and circled in the distance.

"We're almost upon the wormholes," Harry said from his station. "But I'm detecting something strange...some kind of Borg technology..."

Suddenly, the Borg transwarp hub came into view, sprawling across the core of the nebula like a spider.

Kathryn gazed at the hub, a million emotions stirring inside at the final confirmation that all the Admiral had told her was true, and then she glanced at Chakotay. He smiled warmly at the immeasurable joy in her eyes.

"What the hell is it?"

The words were Harry's.

Kathryn got to her feet and turned towards him. "That, Mr Kim, is a Borg transwarp hub. It contains dozens of transwarp corridors that lead all over the galaxy." She smiled, hardly able to contain her joy. "It's also going to be our ticket home." She then turned to Seven. "Seven, submit to Mr Paris co-ordinates of an aperture leading to the alpha quadrant."

Seven operated her console and sent to Tom the co-ordinates Kathryn had earlier instructed her to send.

"Co-ordinates received," Tom said.

Kathryn turned to him. "How long until we reach it?"

"Approximately ten minutes."

"Then find us a spot to park, Mr Paris, and await further instructions." She then addressed Chakotay. "Commander, you have the bridge."

Without another word, she left.

* * *

There was no one in the shuttle bay when Kathryn arrived there. Wearing her Starfleet over-coat, she made her way over to a shuttle, entered it, and pulled out the Admiral's holo-emitor from a deep pocket. As quickly as she could, she activated the device, and then put it to the floor. Seconds later, the Admiral appeared.

Kathryn smiled. "Hello again."

The Admiral looked around, absorbing her surroundings. "Has two years passed already?"

"And more," Kathryn replied. "It's 2378."

"Stardate?"

"54989.6"

"Incredible. It's only a few days later than when we were here in my timeline." She paused. "That is if here is where here should be."

"Yes," Kathryn smiled. "We're at the Borg transwarp hub...thanks to your cloak."

The Admiral smiled in return. "I knew it would work. I knew we could do this."

"And we will," Kathryn replied. "We're going to get Voyager home." She paused. "But we've never been able to maintain the cloak indefinitely. It could collapse at any moment. So, as much as I'd love to stay and chat, there just isn't time. Every second we wait around is a second closer to the Borg discovering us."

"Agreed. Just tell me what you want me to do."

Kathryn made her way over to the helm and powered up the shuttle, talking as she did so. "Once we'd got the cloak to work, we were able to apply the principle to every shuttle aswell. The cloak only seems to hold on them for about an hour, but that's more than enough time for you to do what needs to be done." She operated a console. "I'm downloading all the information we've collected on the nebula and the hub so that you're up to date." The console bleeped as download completed, and Kathryn turned to the Admiral. "Now, this is the plan. As soon as I'm back on the bridge, you'll launch this shuttle and pilot it. We'll take Voyager into the aperture, but before we go, we'll eject the warp core. After a head start of about ten seconds, you'll fire at the warp-core. The explosion generated will obliterate the hub."

The Admiral smiled. "Good plan."

Kathryn looked at her sadly. "I'm just sorry that...I'm sorry what it means for you."

"Then don't be sorry," the Admiral answered. "I'm just a hologram, an echo of a future-you who will never exist now. I came here for a specific purpose and I've fulfilled that purpose. It's time for me to desist now."

"I will never forget you," Kathryn said seriously. "If you hadn't of come then...Well, we both know what would have happened."

The Admiral nodded. "How is our Billy?"

"He's just fine," Kathryn smiled. "The image of Chakotay, you just wouldn't believe..." She reached into another deep pocket in her coat and pulled out a padd. "You can watch this while I return to the bridge. It's a video Tom took at Billy's second birthday party a few months ago."

The Admiral took the padd gratefully. "Thank you."

"Now, I'd better get back to the bridge. I'll hail you when I'm there so you can launch."

"Acknowledged."

Kathryn held out her hand. "Goodbye, Admiral. And thank you...for everything."

The Admiral took her hand and smiled warmly. "Goodbye, Captain."

The two Janeway's looked at each other for a moment, and then Kathryn left, leaving the Admiral alone.

When Kathryn was gone, the Admiral went over to the helm, sat down, and activated the padd. As soon as the screen illuminated, an image of Voyager's mess hall appeared. It was crowded and there were blue and yellow balloons hanging from the ceiling. Then the picture began to move and a gorgeous dark haired little boy with chocolate brown eyes and cute dimples came into view. He was sitting on someone's knee...Chakotay's knee...and was laughing. Happy holographic tears welled in the Admiral's eyes and slowly, tentatively, she reached out and touched Billy's smiling face through the screen.

* * *

"Report," Kathryn said when she finally returned to the bridge.

"We've parked close to the aperture," Chakotay said. "Cloak is holding."

Kathryn sat in her seat and hit her commbadge.

"Janeway to Torres."

B'Elanna's voice responded. "Go ahead, Captain."

"Prepare to eject the warp-core."

B'Elanna hesitated. "Captain?"

"I don't have time to explain, B'Elanna. At my command, eject the warp-core."

"Yes, Captain."

"Janeway out."

Kathryn then quickly operated her console as she both hailed the Admiral and authorized a shuttle launch. As she worked, she was oblivious to the anxious looks being exchanged between her bridge crew until Harry spoke.

"Did I hear you right, Captain? You're going to eject the warp-core?"

"That's right, Mr Kim."

"But why?"

"We're going to give the Borg an explosive present before we leave."

Tuvok spoke before Harry had the chance too. "I am detecting a shuttle launch."

Harry turned to him. "Shuttle? But who?"

"Automated, Mr Kim," Kathryn replied. "I've set everything up so that once we're inside the aperture, the warp-core will explode, destroying the hub. Seven years ago, we had to sacrifice our passage home to save thousands of lives. This time, we're going to get our cake and eat it too."

"But how?" Harry questioned. "We don't have shuttle technology sophisticated enough to auto-detect our warp-core and destroy it."

"My method is unconventional," Kathryn said, trying hard not to have to deliberately lie, "but it will work. Trust me."

Those words were enough to silence Harry. He trusted his captain completely.

"There may be a shockwave," Chakotay considered. "And if there is, it may follow us into the aperture."

"Good thinking," Kathryn replied. Sheturned to her right andaddressed Tuvok. "As soon as we're inside the aperture, reroute all power to the shields. We won't be able to outrun the shockwave so we'll have to ride it." She then hit her commbadge. "This is the captain to all. We will shortly be entering a transwarp aperture and may experience severe turbulence. Brace yourselves accordingly. I repeat. This is the captain to all. We will shortly be entering a transwarp aperture and may experience severe turbulence. Brace yourselves accordingly."

As the connection terminated, Kathryn operated her console, tuned into the shuttle's cloaking frequency, and saw that the Admiral was pursuing. She then looked up at Tom.

"How far are we from the aperture, Mr paris?"

"About three minutes..."

"The resume course."

Voyager began to move and the aperture came into view on the viewscreen. Kathryn watched as it grew larger and larger.

"Tell me when we're 30 seconds away."

"135," Tom said, counting down. "108...75...48...34..."

"Good enough," Kathryn replied. "Janeway to Torres. Eject the warp-core."

Just as B'Elanna responded they soared into the aperture. "Warp-core ejected."

Blue swirls filled the viewscreen and Kathryn gripped the side of her chair as Voyager rocked from side to side at the pressure.

"Any sign of a shockwave, Mr Tuvok?"

"I am not..." He stopped as he detected a shockwave. "A shockwave detected. Intensity diminishing rapidly."

"Then lets hope we stay ahead of it until it's too weak to do much damage."

"The corridor is collapsing," Harry cried. "It may not take us all the way to earth..."

"But close enough," Kathryn answered. "Close enough..."

The vibrant blue swirls on the viewscreen before her began to fade, and then disappeared as they soared into open space.

"The corridor ahead has dissipated," Tuvok stated.

Kathryn got to her feet. "The shockwave?"

"On our tail."

Kathryn then addressed Tom. "Maximum non-warp speed, Mr paris. We've got too..."

But before she could finish her sentence, the shockwave engulfed Voyager and she was thrown to the floor. Pain surged through her body as she was rocked too and fro, then all went black as her head slammed against cold metal.

* * *

Noise...Lights...Pain... Those were the first things Kathryn became aware of when she regained consciousness. Every part of her body seemed to be crying out in agony and it was a moment before she became aware of what had happened and where she was. As soon as her memory registered, she forced herself to focus and tried to get to her feet. Hands stopped her.

"Be still, Captain. You are injured."

The voice was Tuvok's.

"Tuvok," she said. "Report..."

"We sustained heavy damage from the shockwave. Many casualties, no fatalities."

At that, Kathryn breathed easier.

"What's our position?"

"21.7 light years from Earth. I sent out a distress call and it was received by the USS Saturna. They will arrive in approximately four hours time."

Kathryn smiled, tears of joy welling in her eyes. "Then we did it. We're home, Tuvok. We're home."

"So it seems," Tuvok replied, his cool Vulcan exterior giving away nothing of what ever joy he felt at their accomplishment.

Kathryn looked around, searching for Chakotay. "Where's Chakotay?"

"In sickbay. He has also been injured. Now, please, lie down and let me treat you, Captain. "

"If you insist," Kathryn smiled.

She lay down, closed her eyes, and for the first time in seven years felt truly at peace. Voyager may have received some bumps, and the crew some bruises, but they were home. At long long last, they were home.

* * *

Sickbay was quiet when Kathryn finally arrived there two hours later. She had expected there to be a number of officers receiving treatment for minor injuries, but there was only Chakotay, who was being attended to by the Doctor, a young female officer she recognized as Ensign Kara Varlina, and Toraka, a Vulcan science officer who was being treated by Tom. They all appeared to be unconscious and Kathryn's elated mood sank at the sight.

"Report," she said, addressing the Doctor.

The Doctor left Chakotay and made his way over to her.

"Commander Chakotay, Ensign Varlina and Lieutenant Toraka have all sustained serious injuries," the Doctor began. "Varlina should regain consciousness within the next few hours, but Chakotay and Toraka both suffered serious head-injuries and are on life-support."

Kathryn's face paled and it was a moment before she could speak. "What is... what is their prognosis?"

"At the moment, it is difficult to say. The odds are in Toraka's favor, but Chakotay's odds are not so good." He paused. "But odds can change. The next 48 hours will be crucial."

Trembling, Kathryn made her way over to Chakotay and gazed down at him. He was lying so lifelessly on a biobed, only technology keeping him alive. Tears filled her eyes and she blindly reached for his hand.

"Don't die, Chakotay," she whispered. "You can't die. Not now. We're home, we made it." A tear ran down her cheek. "Please don't die."

* * *

How long she had been in sickbay, Kathryn didn't know. Two hours, perhaps, three. Time seemed suspended as she sat next to Chakotay, his hand in hers, just wishing she could will him awake. While they were waiting for _The Saturna_ to arrive, there was nothing for her to do on the ship. Already the homecoming celebrations had begun on the holodeck, even though it was going to take at least another week for the crew to reach Earth on _The Saturna_, and no doubt the celebrations were only a mild taste of things to come. Voyager herself would need to be fitted with another warp-core before she could make it home, so unless _The Saturna_ carried a spare one, it was going to be at least another three weeks before Voyager reached the destination she had strived so hard to reach for seven years. Celebrating was the last thing Kathryn felt like doing, however. For so many years she had dreamt of getting Voyager home, but now she couldn't help wish they were still in the Delta Quadrant. Getting home at the expense of Chakotay's life, at the expense of anyone's life except her own, was too high a price to pay.

Suddenly, a monitor began to bleep and the Doctor rushed over to Chakotay.

Kathryn got to her feet, her stomach churning. "What's happening?"

The Doctor made no reply, just shouted commands at Tom, who was attending to a now stable Toraka. Voyager's chief Engineer hurried over to a console and as fast as he could began to operate it. As he did so, the urgent bleep of the monitor changed to a dead tone, and the Doctor shouted again at Tom.

Kathryn watched in a daze, hardly able to take in what was going on, as the Doctor and Tom tried desperately to revive Chakotay.

Then, the chaos seemed to calm and she felt a kind hand on her shoulder. It was the Doctor's.

"I'm sorry, Captain," he said sadly. "There's nothing more we can do."

Tears flooded Kathryn's eyes. "No,"she cried. "Keep trying..."

"Captain, there's no..."

"Keep trying!"

At that, the Doctor gave in and he and Tom once moretriedto revive their patient.

Kathryn sat beside Chakotay again and took his limp hand in hers. "Don't leave me, Chakotay...Please don't leave me..."

Moments later a monitor bleeped and then Chakotay's chest began to move.

"We have him," the Doctor said. "He's come back to us."

Kathryn smiled through tears, kissed Chakotay's hand, and then held it to her cheek.

**END OF CHAPTER 12**


	13. Chapter 13

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**  
**(PG:13)**

**Chapter Thirteen**

**A WEEK LATER**

Chakotay appeared to be asleep when Kathryn entered Saturna's large sickbay. He had regained consciousness two days ago, but, because of the severity of his head-injury, he had been unable to see when he woke up. Ensign Kara Varlina had recovered sufficiently to leave sickbay, but Toraka was still under medical supervision.

Kathryn made her way over to Chakotay, sat down in a chair beside his bed, and reached for his hand. As she took it in hers, she felt his fingers move and he stirred beneath her.

"Kathryn?"

"That's right," she answered.

"I thought it was...your perfume."

Kathryn gave a wan smile. "There's no fooling you." She paused. "I thought you were asleep."

"No, just dosing."

His eyes stared ahead and the sight tore at Kathryn's heart. His eyes had always been so bright, so soulful.

"Any news? Any developments?"

"No," Chakotay replied. "The doctors say they are going to refer me to a hospital in Sydney. There's a specialist there, Dr Lotton, who is one of the best in the Federation. As we're so close to home, there's nothing more they can do." He paused. "How far are we, exactly?"

"About two hours. A fleet is going to come and meet us. We're quite the Federation heroes, Starfleet and Maquis alike." She smiled. "You're going to be exonerated, Chakotay. You and the other Maquis. I've just spoken to Admiral Paris and he said they're going to announce your exoneration during a welcome home party this evening.

Chakotay smiled. "That's wonderful...just wonderful."

"It certainly is."

"As much as I've always wanted to get the crew home, it's always been on my mind what would happen to us Maquis."

"According to Admiral Paris, you're all going to be invited to rejoin Starfleet."

"Really? I wasn't expecting that. Exonerating us was always a possibility, but I didn't think they'd want us back. I'd still like to pursue a career in archaeology, if I'm able now, but I'm sure a lot will choose to go back." He smiled. "I bet there's going to be some celebrating tonight. Just make sure you go easy on the champagne."

Kathryn tensed. "I...I'm not going."

Chakotay frowned. "Why not?"

"It wouldn't be right, not without you there. And with everything that's happened..." She could say no more as a lump in her throat choked her words.

"Kathryn?"

"I'm sorry," she said tearfully. "I'm so sorry. None of this was supposed to happen."

Chakotay squeezed her hand. "You did a tremendous job, Kathryn. All these years you've done a tremendous job. I'm so proud of you."

"But you almost died, Chakotay...that wasn't meant to happen."

"I would gladly have given my life to get the crew home," he said sincerely. "And so would you."

"Yes, my own life. Not your life."A tear ran down her cheek. "So many thoughts are going through my head. Did I do the right thing in using the Admiral to get the crew home? Should I have done anything differently? Should I have allowed more time between us entering the aperture and blowing up the warp-core? This future it...it was meant to be better."

"And it is better," Chakotay replied. "We have Billy and we're home. And I'll be okay. I just know that I will..."

Kathryn looked at him sadly. There was every chance that his condition was permanent, but he didn't seem to acknowledge that possibility. He was so sure that he was going to be okay. For so many years on Voyager he had been strong for her, had been her rock, her harbor, her shelter, now she had to be strong for him.

"You're right," she said. "What's done is done. What matters now is where we go from here."

"I want you to go to the party," Chakotay insisted. "The crew needs you there. It would be no party without you. And I want you to have a good time." He smiled. "Eat a chocolate eclair for me."

Kathryn had to smile at that. "If you insist."

"I do. Promise me you'll go."

Kathryn squeezed his hand. "I promise."

A tall woman with short blonde hair passed the bed on her way to attend to a Saturna patient, and Kathryn called out to her.

"Doctor..."

The woman turned to her. "Yes, Captain?"

"Chakotay tells me he's going to be referred to a hospital in Sydney."

"That's right. The specialist there, Dr Lotton, is one of the best in the field."

"How long is he likely to have to stay in hospital?"

"It's difficult to say. Two weeks, perhaps, three. It depends on a lot of things, including whether the Commander will have anyone to care for him if he is discharged."

Kathryn nodded. "Thank you, Doctor."

The woman continued on her way to her patient, and Kathryn turned back to Chakotay.

"I'll find us a nice home," she said kindly, "and have it all ready for when you're discharged."

Sadness consumed Chakotay. "I don't want to be a burden," he said quietly. "You'll have enough to do with Billy and..."

Kathryn put her fingers to his lips. "No more of that. You're living with me." She withdrew her fingers. "We have a hypothesis, remember?"

Tears welled in Chakotay's blind eyes. "I wasn't sure if...if you still remembered..."

"I've never forgotten." She tenderly put her hand to his cheek. "I want us to be a family. You, me, and Billy." She paused. "That is if...if you still want us to be."

Chakotay nodded. "More than anything. I love you so much, Kathryn."

Kathryn took his hand in hers again and squeezed it. "I love you too."

**END OF CHAPTER 13**


	14. Chapter 14

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**  
**(PG:13)**

**Chapter Fourteen**

TWO WEEKS LATER

A bright silver moon shone down on a quaint log-home high in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. On a long terrace over looking a deep valley, Kathryn sat by a beautifully decorated table, Chakotay opposite her. She was wearing an elegant dress of blue velvet and had matching high heel shoes on her feet. Chakotay was also smartly dressed in a fawn shirt over fawn pants, and soft music playing in the background completed the perfect setting. They had just fnished a delicious dessert of chocolate gateaux with vanilla ice cream, and Kathryn topped up Chakotay's half-empty glass of wine.

"It's so peaceful here," she said, pouring the sparkling gold liquid into his glass. "I'm so glad we chose this place. Not only is it in a most beautiful setting, but it's also secluded. I can't believe how much media interest there is in our lives. We would never have a moments peace in San Francisco."

Chakotay smiled. "The price of fame. You're a major celebrity now. We both are."

"So it seems," she replied, putting down the bottle in her hands. "I find it kind of strange, though. I mean, I'm not an actress or a singer or anything like that." She picked up her glass of wine. "But I guess we'll have to get used to public attention, especially if..." She paused, bit her lip, and took a sip of wine.

Chakotay questioned. "Especially if?"

Kathryn took a deep breath and she put down her glass. "If we...if we get married."

A dark shadow fell over Chakotay's face. "Let's not talk of marriage, Kathryn. We still don't know what my prognosis is and..." He paused. "Let's just enjoy now."

Kathryn reached for his hand and held it in hers. "I love you, Chakotay. Whatever happens, I want us to face it together."

"I know you do. And I know that you would be completely committed to me. But I...I have to try and accept that I might be like thisfor the rest of my lifeand...and I need time. I'm not ready for...I'm not ready for marriage."

Tears filled Kathryn's eyes and she tried hard to suppress them. She wanted to marry this man, wanted to marry him so much, but she couldn't force the matter, would have to take things at his pace.

A tense, awkward, silence hung in the air, then Kathryn broke it.

"Dance with me?"

Chakotay nodded and Kathryn got to her feet. As he heard her approach, Chakotay turned towards her and Kathryn took his hands in hers. As he got to his feet, she guided him to an empty space on the terrace and then wrapped her arms around his neck. Chakotay's arms closed around her waist and she lay her cheek against his. As they swayed softly to the music, Kathryn's heart raced at his closeness and her whole body felt alive at his touch. Slowly, tentatively, she drew slightly away from him and then raised her lips to his in a tender kiss.

Chakotay flinched and broke away from her. "No," he said tearfully. "We can't..."

Kathryn closed the gap between them and put her hands on his arms. "We can...Of course we can..."

"But I can't see...I..."

"You don't need to see to kiss me..."

"What I mean is...I might be like this forever. We need parameters, we can't...it will only make things harder if...if I don't..."

"There's every chance that the treatment you'll be starting next month is going to work," Kathryn replied. "You've been so strong up until now, so positive. And you have to stay that way."

"I'm trying, I just...What if it doesn't work? What if I'm always like this?"

"Then you need to learn to adapt...how to still enjoy life. And you can. Just give yourself a chance, Chakotay. Let your other senses be your eyes." She took his hand and put it to her dress. "You could tell earlier that I was wearing velvet because your hands told you so. Use your hands to see me...use your touch..."

Chakotay gently began to explore her neckline with his hand and then moved up to her face. His hand brushed against a dangling earring and he fingered it.

"You're wearing earrings...long...slim..."

"That's right...Gold..."

He moved to her hair and felt it with both hands. "Your hair is like I remember...soft...same style..." His fingers made their way to her face and touched her tears..."You're crying..."

At that, Kathryn took his hands in hers. "Don't push me away, Chakotay. I know I have no right to say that after the way I always held back from you on Voyager, but there were real barriers between us then. Now there's only the barriersyou're making. I love you, I need you, and I want to be with you...no conditions. Marry me, Chakotay. Please..."

A tear ran down Chakotay's cheek. "Only if you're sure it's what you want, that I won't be a burden..."

"Never, Chakotay. You could never be a burden. I love and I want to spend the rest of my life with you."

Chakotay smiled softly. "Then I will...I'll marry you."

Kathryn smiled happily and then joyfully drew him close. Chakotay held her in return and kissed her hair.

"We'll be happy," Kathryn said. "I promise you that we will. You, me and Billy."

Chakotay buried his head in her hair. "I'm scared, Kathryn. I'm scared that the treatment won't work and...But if I have you, if I have Billy, then...then I can get through it, I know that I can..."

"And you'll always have us," Kathryn said sincerely. "Always."

They held each other a while, and then Kathryn drew slightly away. "Now may I kiss you?"

Chakotay nodded with a smile.

Kathryn gently secured her arms around his neck again, and then raised her lips to his. This time Chakotay responded, and they kissed deeply, sensually, under a sky full of stars.

* * *

**TEN DAYS LATER**

Holding each others hands, Kathryn and Chakotay stood beneath an arch of pink and yellow roses as they prepared to exchange marriage wows in the garden of an Irish gothic castle. Almost every Voyager crew-member was amongst the large crowd, and all Kathryn's family and friends were present. Chakotay's sister had also made the journey all the wayfrom Trebus to attend. Kathryn was wearing an off the shoulder knee-length gown of white satin, and Chakotay was wearing a smart white suit, a blue waistcoat, and a blue bow tie. Tom stood behind him, equally as smart in a suit of black and blue, and watching from the aisle were their two proud bridesmaids in gowns of blue satin: Chakotay's niece, Sarlara, and Naomi Wildman. Sarlara was holding the bridal bouquet, and Naomi was holding Billy's hand. He was their Pageboy and had definitely stolen the heart of everyone present as he looked absolutely adorable in a tiny white suit with a blue bow tie to match his father's.

The registrar was a friendly woman with black hair and blue eyes, and she made everyone laugh as she announced the purpose of the gathering, and went through the formality of asking whether there were any lawful impediments to the marriage. When no one presented any, she began the vows.

"Do you, Kathryn Martha Janeway, take this man, Chakotay, to be your lawful wedding husband? To love him, to cherish him, to honor him and be faithful to him, for as long as you both shall live?"

Kathryn squeezed Chakotay's hands. "I do."

The registrar then addressed Chakotay. "Do you, Chakotay, take this woman, Kathryn Martha Janeway, to be your lawful wedding wife? To love her, to cherish her, to honor her and be faithful to her, for as long as you both shall live?"

"I do," Chakotay replied.

The registrar then turned to Tom. "The rings..."

Tom was holding a white velvet cushion on which rested two gold rings and he stepped forward.

Kathryn took the largest ring and then slipped it onto Chakotay's finger. "I give you this ring as a token of our marriage, as a symbol of the promises I have made to you today."

Tom then picked up the remaining ring and put it in Chakotay's hand. He then guided Chakotay's hand to Kathryn's and helped him select the right finger. Then he stepped aside.

Chakotay slipped the ring onto Kathryn's finger as carefully as he could. "I give you this ring as a token of our marriage, as a symbol of the promises I have made to you today."

The registrar then united their hands and smiled. "I now pronounce you husband and wife."

Kathryn smiled happily and drew Chakotay close. Then, in front of a cheering crowd, they sealed their union with a kiss.

**END OF CHAPTER 14**


	15. Chapter 15

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**  
**(PG:13)**

**Chapter Fifteen**

TWO MONTHS LATER

Time passed slowly as Kathryn waited in a sterile hospital corridor while Chakotay underwent some tests. The specialist had promised to call her in before he gave Chakotay the results, and she hoped he would keep his word. As she waited, she played with thering Chakotay had given her on their wedding day, and tried not to dwell on negative thoughts. A part of her still wondered if she had done the right thing in getting the crew home the way she did. It had only been a minor breach of the temporal prime directive, one that she had been successful in keeping from Starfleet command, but it had been a breach none the less. To change her mind about remaining pregnant after what her holographic counterpart had told her was one thing, but to use that holographic self to destroy a Borg transwarp hub and get Voyager home, thereby drastically changing the course of history, was another. But, with all the temporal infractions that had happened over the years, she had come to see that each altered timeline brought it's own set of problems.

At last, the door opened and the specialist appeared. He was a small, weighty, man with curly brown hair and a thick mustache, and he greeted her with a smile.

"You may come in now, Admiral."

Kathryn got to her feet, desperately trying to read his face for any sign of whether he was going to give good news or bad, but the man was always smiling, always friendly.

"Thank you, Dr Lotton."

She followed the doctor into the room, and saw that Chakotay was sitting before a long silver desk.

"Please," Dr Lotton said, gesturing to a chair beside Chakotay. "Have a seat."

Kathryn made her way over to the chair and reached for Chakotay's hand as she sat down. His hand was trembling, and she squeezed it reassuringly.

"I have performed intensive tests and scans," the doctor said, sitting himself, "and I'm pleased to say that there is some improvement. It's too minor for the effects to be noticeable, but if the treatment wasn't working, then there would be no improvement at all in the affected regions of the brain."

Kathryn smiled at this news and squeezed Chakotay's hand again. "This is wonderful, doctor."

Chakotay questioned. "Does this mean I will see again?"

"Yes," the doctor replied. "But it's not going to happen over night. You will first become aware of shadows and shapes, then blurs of color, and eventually the colors will become objects."

"Will I see as well as I used too?"

"I see no reason why you shouldn't. It's possible that you may have better vision in one eye or the other, or that improvement will only advance so far, but based on the tests I've performed, there is every reason to believe you will regain full vision."

Kathryn questioned now. "How long will this recovery process take?"

"It varies from person to person, but from this initial response to treatment, I'd say about three to four months." He then addressed Chakotay. "By our next appointment in two weeks, you should have started to see shadows."

Chakotay smiled. "I look forward to it...no pun intended."

The Doctor smiled in return and then clasped his hands together. "Now, unless you have any questions, I see no reason to keep you here further."

"The treatment," Kathryn asked, "do we continue it as we have?"

"Yes. Two hypospray shots three times a day." He paused. "Anything else?"

"No," Kathryn replied. She then turned to Chakotay. "Chakotay?"

"Nor me," he answered.

The Doctor got to his feet, smiling again. "In that case, I'll bid you both a good day and see you in two weeks."

Kathryn and Chakotay got to their feet also.

"Thank you," Kathryn said, taking Chakotay's arm so she could guide him. "We'll see you then."

"Yes," Chakotay added. "Thank you for everything."

"You're welcome," the doctor replied.

Kathryn guided Chakotay towards the door, but just as they were about to leave, the doctor spoke again.

"Oh, I almost forgot. Congratulations on the baby."

Kathryn stopped walking, let go of Chakotay's arm, and turned towards him. "The baby?"

"Yes, on your..." The man paled and then bit his lip. "I'm sorry," he said. "I thought that you...Forget that I said anything."

Kathryn stepped forward. "Are you...Are you saying I'm pregnant?"

The man was flustered now. "As I said, forget I said anything..."

"With all due respect, that's pretty hard to do. Please, tell us..."

"Very well," the man conceded. "Yes, you're pregnant. My equipment picked up the baby's lifesign when you were in the room earlier."

For a long moment, Kathryn said nothing as she absorbed this, then she turned happily to Chakotay. "Did you hear that, Chakotay? We're having another baby."

"Yes," Chakotay smiled. "I heard..."

They laughed joyfully, and then held each other tight.

The Doctor watched, their joy warming his heart, and then spoke as they eventually drew apart.

"Just don't tell anyone I told you," he said kindly.

"We won't," Kathryn assured him. "But thank you..."

He smiled. "Congratulations again."

With that, Kathryn took Chakotay's arm and lead him out of the room. When they were in the empty corridor outside, Kathryn wrapped her arms around Chakotay's neck, her joy too much to contain.

"I can't believe this is happening," she said happily. "You're going to be okay and we're going to have another baby. I can't believe it. I really can't..."

Chakotay kissed her auburn hair and held her in return.

"Neither can I. I'm so happy, Kathryn. So happy..."

Kathryn held him tighter. "Me too," she smiled. "Me too."

**END OF CHAPTER 15**


	16. Chapter 16

**Star Trek Voyager Characters are the property of Paramount Pictures**

**BEFORE THE DAWN**  
**(PG:13)**

**Chapter Sixteen**

**2384**

Wearing black boots over baggy red pants, a brown tunic over a loose white shirt, and a black satin scarf around bobbed hair, Kathryn stood on the deck of _The Vengeance_ and looked out at a twilight sea. Strapped around her waist was a mock-sword in a silver case, and instead of a patch over her left eye, she had a painted image of a diamond which glittered the colors of the rainbow as it caught the light.

"A goblet of wine, my captain."

At the sound of Chakotay's voice, Kathryn looked away from the sea in the direction of her husband. He was wearing an outfit similar to her own, except he had black pants, a black tunic, and a bronze sword hanging from his waist. In his hand he held out a gold goblet and Kathryn took it gratefully.

"Thank you, my hearty."

Chakotay smiled and Kathryn took a drink of the sparkling synthesol red wine inside.

"I'm so glad we thought of this," Chakotay said. "It's the perfect holo-weekend."

"Yes," Kathryn agreed. "I can't believe we didn't think of it sooner."

Suddenly, a little girl's distressed voice filled the air.

"No," she cried, "I won't let you do it! I won't!"

Kathryn and Chakotay turned around and saw their five year old daughter, Teya Tanya Janeway, kneeling on the floor, desperately hugging their beloved black Labrador. The child's hair was as black as the animal's fur, and was braided in two thick plates that fell over her shoulders. She was wearing a white shirt over purple pants, had a small plastic sword hanging from her waist, and had black ankle boots on her feet. Standing opposite her, a gleam in his dark eyes, was their ever mischievous son, Billy. He was standing with his arms folded, and was also dressed in a pirate outfit consisting of navy blue pants, a white shirt, and a red scarf around his head. He was nine years old now, and as much the image of Chakotay as he had ever been.

Kathryn glanced at Chakotay and handed her goblet back to him. "Maybe not quite so perfect after all," she teased.

She then made her way over to the children and Chakotay followed.

"Babino, Tiny-Tot," she said as she approached them,"what's going on?"

Teya looked up at her mother, her large brown eyes wet with tears.

"Billy wants to feed Ebony to the sharks."

"I'm not Billy," her brother retorted, "I'm Babino. And I was only teasing. I didn't mean it."

"Yes you did," Teya cried. "You said were going to roll her ball onto the plank so she'd go after it and get eaten by sharks."

"There's no sharks here, dummy. None of this is real. It's not my fault if you're dumb enough to think it is."

"Alright," Kathryn said, "that's enough, Billy...I mean Babino. You mustn't talk to your sister like that. And it was wrong of you to tease her. I want you to apologize."

Billy protested. "But it was a joke..."

Kathryn fixed on him a determined stare. "Apologize."

Billy sighed and reluctantly conceded. "Ok. I'm sorry."

"No, you're not," Teya replied. "You're only sorry coz Mommy says you have to be. You're not sorry at all. But you should be, coz Ebony's real upset and you're mean. I think Mommy should make you walk the plank."

"No one's going to be walking the plank," Kathryn said calmly. "The only place any of us is going is to bed."

Billy's face fell at that. "Oh no! You said we could stay up until nine!"

"And it's well passed that."

"But it's still light. Let us stay up till it's dark. Please..."

"This is not up for negotiation. It's time you were both getting ready for bed."

Billy sighed again. "Yes, Mom."

Chakotay spoke now. "How about I make you both a chocolate milkshake and peanut butter toasties for supper?"

Billy's disappointed eyes lit up at that. "Thanks, Dad. I'm real starving."

Chakotay smiled and then left the deck, Billy in hot pursuit. Teya, however, stayed where she was and continued to hug Ebony, tears in her eyes. Kathryn knelt before her precious little girl and put her hand on the child's thin shoulder.

"Don't be upset, darling," she said kindly. "Billy would never hurt Ebony. He loves her too much."

Teya drew away from the dog and looked at her mother. "Can she sleep with me tonight? I don't trust Billy. He might make her walk the plank when we're in bed and she'll get eaten."

"There are no sharks here, darling. Nothing here is real. It's just a projection. A pretend ship."

"Like a toy?"

Kathryn nodded. "A big toy ship." She put her hand to Teya's cheek. "So there's no need for Ebony to sleep with you. Besides, you know how much she loves her bed. We brought it with us especially so she could sleep in it. We wouldn't want to disappoint her, would we?"

Teya shook her little head and then wrapped her arms around Kathryn's neck. "I love you, Mommy."

Kathryn held her close and kissed her hair. "I love you too, darling."

For the rest of her years she would be grateful for the Admiral appearing at such a pivotal moment in her life. The Admiral had come only to save Billy, but if it wasn't for her, this darling little girl would never have existed at all.

Teya drew away from her mother, a peace in her eyes now. "I don't want a chocolate milkshake. I'd like a strawberry."

Kathryn smiled and got to her feet. "Then we'd better go and tell Daddy."

She held out her hand to her daughter, and Teya took it with a smile.

* * *

With only the light of candles filling the bedroom, Chakotay lay in a large double bed, a white sheet draped over him, and took a drink of water as he studied a map which located the box of treasure it was their weekend mission to find. At last, the door opened and Kathryn came in. Chakotay looked up at her and smiled. "About time. I was beginning to think you'd fallen overboard."

Kathryn laughed softly and began to remove the belt around her waist. "Teya wanted me to read her a story...a very long story."

"Let me guess. "Fairy Faye and the magic tree."

"Yes," Kathryn smiled, casting aside her belt and sword. "How did you know?"

"Because she made me read it to her last night...and the night before, and the night before that..."

Kathryn laughed again and began to take off her boots. "I also had a little chat with Billy about how he mustn't be mean to his sister."

"I had a little chat with him about that too," Chakotay said, putting the glass and map in his hands down on a bedside table

"Poor thing. Two lectures in one night. Let's hope he's got the message."

"I'm sure he has." Chakotay then looked at his wife and couldn't help tease. "Unless, of course, he's as stubborn as his mother."

Kathryn looked up at him at that. "Stubborn, am I?"

"Undeniably."

Kathryn began to unlace her tunic, her eyes sparkling. "I'll have to make you pay for that remark."

Chakotay chuckled. "Just what do you have in mind?"

Kathryn whipped off her tunic, climbed onto the bed, and crawled over Chakotay.

"I make you my love-slave...forever and ever and ever..."

Chakotay seized her and rolled on top of her. "Then I'd better get started."

Kathryn smiled. "You'd better indeed."

Chakotay smiled in return, and then lowered his lips to hers.

**THE END**


End file.
